Knocking on the door to the office I can hear Jeanine sternly advising Will to calm down. She’s not being mean or anything, she is just giving Will a chance by putting a little reality in his face. “Yes,” Jeanine calls out.
“Sorry to bother you,” I begin as politely as I know how, “but I was wondering if I could take a look at the back pantry.”
The pantry is in the back room of the office and I had spied some raisin bran back there the last time I went in to get some soda.
“Okay, come on in,” replies Jeanine sounding slightly perturbed.
Walking through the office I can’t help but notice Will is on the verge of tears, and a mondo anxiety attack did not seem out of the question. I surprise myself by once again feeling kind of sorry for the little weasel.
It is obvious that Will is inches away from blowing his home visit, and what motivation does he have to keep it together? What kind of reward is it to go home, and have to deal with all the shit there?
As I look over the shelves in the back pantry for the raisin bran, I can’t help but put myself in his shoes. If he screws up, he will feel like shit for disappointing Jeanine and Frank and proving to his mother that once again he is a failure.
His weekend here would be no fun, for Frank and Jeanine would have to punish him for screwing up. If he doesn’t screw up, he’d have to go home and be tested by his mother and little brother all day long, and try to ignore the fact they don’t want him there.
Hidden behind two huge bags of potato chips sits a lone box of raisin bran, no big thrill to you, but a taste of heaven in this household. Frank and Jeanine have this real big thing about foods not having any sugar in them. We don’t even have a bowl of sugar for the dining table.
Sugar is generally taboo, and reserved only for special occasions like getting straight A’s, or winning a Nobel Peace prize. Any foods containing sugar such as soda pop, doughnuts, or candy bars are kept locked away in the office, and are guarded like a national treasure. The pantry is also home to expensive treats like cashews, marinated artichoke hearts, and Jeanine’s private stash of canned blueberries, blackberries and raspberries.
The conversation between Jeanine and Will seems to be going nowhere. Will, though no longer arguing and complaining, is not exactly thrilled with all the negatives he has just received. Jeanine is talking like he still has a shot to make it home this weekend but is letting him know that it would take a focused effort on his part. As I pass through I ask Jeanine if I could stay and say a few things.
She says that all depended on Will. When she asks Will if it was okay for me to join in the conversation, he does his best to be civil and says he had no problem with me hanging around.
Jeanine gets me caught up on what has been discussed so far, and indirectly gives Will a pep talk as she relays his situation to me. She says Will came downstairs and admitted he was reacting to Tony. “But soon after that,” she adds, “he began to panic over the possibility of losing his home visit and had trouble accepting his consequences.”
She goes on to say how Will was still in a good position to get home, but that he seems to be lacking the confidence in himself that he can do it. At this point she turns towards Will to see if he agreed with her assessment.
Will takes this as a cue to speak and adds, “I always blow it at school when I’m nervous, and Tony always messes with me during math class.”
“Hey, if you want to make it home,” I advise, “just come and talk to the other guys in the house when you need some support. I’m only on campus for the first two classes, but the other guys are at school all day long.”
“Like who?” Will shoots back, “Am I supposed to talk to Larry and Tony?”
“Okay maybe not those two, but Doug’s cool, and Kyle’s pretty trustworthy in a pinch. Even Perry can be pretty supportive when he’s not angry at you.”
Over the next few minutes Will does his best to shoot down every attempt Jeanine and I make to offer him our support. Any possible solutions to his dilemma we pose are met by a host of reasons why he doesn’t think it will work. It seems pretty obvious to me that the boy really doesn’t want to go home.
During this entire conversation, Avery is sitting at his desk in the corner and quietly drawing pictures. He has spent his entire four years on the planet in group homes, and seems to take it all in stride.
Avery is a real smart and happy kid, and seldom is a nuisance to anyone. The entire time I’ve been here I’ve never seen Avery have a temper tantrum….Jesus, I can’t say the same thing for any of the older residents here at the Academy.
Avery is no spoiled brat. He cleans his own room, sets the table once a week, and even helps Jeanine fold his laundry. Having such a good natured little boy around helps the house stay calm. It’s kind of embarrassing for us older kids to freak out when Avery is innocently sitting there watching us. Even an insensitive galoot like Larry was quite shaken when one of his violent outbursts made Avery cry.
If I had a child like Avery, I don’t think I’d make him live in a place like this. He’s so innocent and pure and the people around here are so twisted and perverted. Hell, in one house there was this guy who actually ate his own shit. Now, how do you explain to some little kid why a teenager would scarf down his own waste?
One day I asked Jeanine if she worried about bringing Avery up in an environment like this, and she said she would worry no matter where Avery grew up. When I pointed out to her all the bizarre things he was being exposed to and the violence and anger he saw daily, she replied that in some ways she was glad he was being introduced to such behavior.
Jeanine went on to explain how this experience had made Avery very aware of his own feelings, and caused him to ask a lot of questions regarding love and being happy. All in all, Jeanine kind of felt that a good portion of Avery’s maturity and happiness stemmed from his being made so aware of his own feelings and the feelings of others. I can’t argue with how the kid is doing, and maybe if I knew at his age how screwed up people could get I would have made some better choices.
Well, maybe it is the fact that my stomach is growling, or maybe it is because I am tired of Will avoiding the obvious, but for whatever reason, I decide to cut to the chase with the boy.
“Look Will, if you don’t want to go home, just say so,” I bark out.
“Of course I want to go home!” shouts Will.
“I don’t know man,” I begin once again, “it doesn’t seem that way to me…Every time Jeanine comes up with a reasonable solution you shoot it down. And who could blame you. I know my home’s no picnic, and there have been many weekends I’d rather stay here than go home.”
Jeanine’s look tells me I’m on thin ice and I need to calm down a little. Yet, I really feel Will needs a little reality and the truth needs to be brought forward. All I have to do is say it in a way which won’t offend the little moron.
“Remember when Dennis was here?” Will nods, looking somewhat irritated with me.
“Dennis didn’t always go home when he earned his home visit. Sometimes he’d ask if he could hang here, and Jeanine and Frank would let him. So instead of trashing a good week just because you don’t want to go home, why don’t you ask Jeanine if you can stay here this weekend? That way you can still have your privileges, and have some fun this weekend.”
Feeling like I am on a roll I continue, “If you mess up to keep from going home, your mom will never believe Jeanine and Frank when they tell her how much you’re improving.”
“But I want to go home,” Will announces unable to own up to the anger and resentment he still feels towards his mom.
“I don’t believe Gary is saying that you don’t,” interjects Jeanine while giving me a look telling me it is time to let her speak for awhile.
“I think Gary is just concerned, like we are, that you don’t throw away the progress you’ve been making. You’ve had some rough times recently with your mom and Justin, and the last home visits you’ve had have not been very successful.”
Jeanine pauses for a moment to get a read on Will’s reaction, and then continues, “What Gary is suggesting is that maybe you would like to spend the entire weekend, or maybe even just part of the weekend here and enjoy some of the privileges you’ve earned.”
“What would I do at this gay place?” Will asks beginning his form of immature negotiations.
Seeing that this is going to take a while, I ask Jeanine if I could leave and get some breakfast. She nods, and I quickly exit clutching my box of raisin bran. At the door I stop and ask Jeanine if she wants Avery to come with me. Avery says he’d like to leave, and Jeanine tells him he can’t have any more cereal, but can have a piece of fruit if he wants. I caution Will to relax and “be cool”, and leave with Avery.
I see exactly where Jeanine is going with the conversation. First she’ll tell Will about some of the fun things he could do this weekend if he stayed. After selling him on that, she’ll add how his staying here would allow his mom to get used to the fact that he is making improvements and soon would be coming home for the weekends.
This of course is not the first time Will has heard all these things, he has been doing this dance around home visits for the last four months. Yet, up till now, Will has never allowed himself to stay here while earning enough points to go home. Every time he gets close to going home, he either sabotages himself to avoid facing the prospect of going home, or goes home and completely flips out. Right now, I really feel like he might finally take Jeanine up on her offer and stay here for a weekend or two, to gain a little confidence before going home.
When we got to the kitchen Avery asks me to cut up an apple for him. I say “no problem”, and he walks over to the kitchen table to sit down and wait.
All the rest of the guys have finished their breakfast and are doing their morning chores before going off to school. Tony’s chore is the kitchen, and he’s not pleased to see me and Avery just sitting down to eat.
“Hey man,” Tony sputters, flicking back his head trying to look tough, “don’t be coming in here so late and mess up my chore!”
“I’ll clean off the table when we’re done,” I offer trying to get Tony off my back.
“Yah, right and what about the floor? Just because you want to brown nose Jeanine by taking care of the kid, doesn’t mean you have to screw up my chore.”
“Lighten up, Tony. We’ll be gone way before you’ve even begun doing the floor. And don’t be talking that crud in front of Avery, man.”
Though quite a jerk, Tony is usually very nice to Avery. He probably spends as much time with Avery as he does combing his hair, which is more time than he spends doing anything else in his shallow little life. Tony even comes back early from home visits to play with Avery, or has Avery talk to all his girl friends on the phone. Avery, who likes Tony a lot, asks Tony if he wants him to move to the dining room.
“No, don’t worry about it.” Tony says trying to smooth things over. “You never make a mess, it’s Gary I’m worried about.”
Avery laughs at Tony’s last remark, and fakes throwing some of his apple on the floor when I hand it to him. Tony, succumbing to Avery’s silliness, dramatically looks under the table and accuses Avery of sticking his gum underneath it.
Avery’s laughter coaxes Tony to continue to perform for Avery throughout the duration of his chore. Avery laughs with glee at Tony’s antics and even gets up to do an impersonation of Frank correcting Tony’s chore.
Frank comes in and catching some of Avery’s act, asks Avery if Tony was buried in negatives. Avery laughs at his dad, and covers his face in embarrassment.
“No Frank, don’t let that little monster correct my chore,” Tony says in mock panic, “the last time he corrected my chore I had no privileges for days.”
By now Avery is positively hysterical, squealing and shouting in laughter. We all exchange one liners as Frank does a primo parody of Tony doing a chore, and Avery does his best to imitate his dad watching Tony limp and primp his way through his chore.
At times like this it is easy to forget this is a group home and we are not a family. It is moments like this which make it hard for me to picture going home to my mother. Frank and Jeanine are not only nice people, but cool and totally outrageous. When they aren’t teaching us, or making us write things down on a point card, they’re real intense fun.
Frank always aware of the situation, mellows things out a little and gets Tony back on task. Looking at the clock I see I have less than fifteen minutes to finish breakfast and do my chore. This morning it is my turn to clean the living room.
Since last night we spent most of the evening at the gym, the living room should be a piece of cake to clean. Five minutes tops, is all it should take, barring some unforseen mess someone else dumped in my chore while they hurried through their’s.
After rinsing out my bowl, I trot over to the desk in the hall and pick up the living room chore card. Jeanine had hand written specific directions for cleaning each room in the house. Even though I had cleaned each room in the house numerous times I still carry around the chore card to recheck everything.
In the background I hear Frank going from room to room checking everyone’s chore. Frank is very playful with all the guys this morning, even Larry, who still hates Frank’s guts for expecting him to do all this stupid stuff. Today Frank even succeeds at getting a smile out of Larry who just shakes his head and mumbles, “you’re crazy man,” when Frank skids Avery across the family room table and checks his pants for excess dust.
Larry, like every other kid who comes through the door, wants to hate Frank and Jeanine. Hell, when you come here you want to hate every one; your parents for allowing them to send you to this geek palace, your school for kicking your ass out, these moronic kids who you’re forced to live with, and these idiotic house parents who try to act like this whole damn thing is good for you. Yet, in a few weeks Larry will be like the rest of us scavaging for points, accepting consequences and negotiating for privileges as if we’ve done it our whole life. Sure, at times he’ll still hate this place and wish he were free of this shit, but there will be other times, weird times, when he’ll view this place as something safe and predictable and wonder how other kids can survive out there without all this help.
In our home it is hard to stay angry for very long. Yah, the kids are all head cases, and the on-campus school is like a demented Oz, but Jeanine and Frank are too fun and too bizarre not to like. Larry’s smile at Frank signals the beginning of the end of his refusal to accept being stuck here. Sure, he might run a couple more times, or call Frank a jag-off for staying in his shit, but now he’s starting to see that Frank, Jeanine and Avery and the guys are a nice family even if it’s only make believe.
Jeanine, who is finished with Will, is now out and about joining Frank in wreaking havoc on all of us. When I’m not looking someone turns off the light switch while I’m vacuuming the rug. This, of course, immediately turns off the vacuum cleaner.
When I calmly ask for whoever turned off the light switch to turn it back on, Jeanine compliments me for controlling my anger as she comes back in and flips back on the lights that she had just turned off.
When I am through cleaning, Jeanine has even more good things to say while she checks over my chore. She points out that I showed particularly good restraint, regarding her turning off the light switch, especially considering how little time I had before needing to be at school. She adds that it was nice to see I didn’t necessarily assume someone turned the vacuum off on purpose and also compliments me on giving the person who turned off the light an opportunity to make amends for their mistake.
As a reward for my “maturity and grace” she promises to call the cab company today and make sure they understand my new schedule starting the week after next.
Doug comes in and asks Jeanine if we are about through. She says yes, and Doug asks me if I’m ready to head off. I tell him to wait for a minute while I go get my books. Heading upstairs I realize how calm the house now is, and how tense it had been early this morning. Between Doug and Will’s anxiety, Tony’s self-centeredness, Kyle’s frustration with Larry, and Larry’s anger at the world, the house had been on the verge of exploding into a nightmarish civil war.
Now, Doug and Will are optimistic about their chances of getting home, and every one including Larry had a great time being entertained by Frank and Jeanine. A long time ago I told Frank and Jeanine they belonged in a circus, for they could juggle more pins and spin more plates than anyone I had ever seen.
All the other houses on campus are completely gonzo, going from one crisis to another. One day one kid is on run, another day some kid has to go to court, the following day another kid in the house will be kicked out of school, or some other nonsense. In our house, things definitely get ugly, but they never seem to get out of hand.
We’re not angels or anything like that, but Frank and Jeanine know what to do when things look tragic. Kids in our house still occasionally run and do drugs, or get in trouble with the police, but we’re always able to pull it all back together. We have pride in our house and a sense of gratitude to Frank and Jeanine, we aren’t about to let our house get like all the others.
Sometimes when we all seem to be on a down slide, or the rest of the campus is especially crazy, one of the guys asks for a family meeting and we’ll sit down and discuss how to keep it together. Even when every one in the house seems to be hating each other, we’re always able to find a way to support each other and get things sane again.
I guess one of the reasons Frank and Jeanine always seem in charge is the way they test us. They don’t sit back and wait for us to screw up and then react to what we’re doing. They test us like Jeanine did with the light switch and help us to stay cool and succeed.
In other houses the adults say they want to help the kids, and they call what they’re doing “teaching”, but to me it looks like nagging, punishing, and getting back at the kids. Hell, I took abuse like that at home, but damned if I’d take that from some stranger I was forced to live with.
Frank and Jeanine, on the other hand, really seem to be on our side. They’re definitely the strictest couple on campus, but they’re also the most supportive. You know that if you can meet their standards you will succeed anywhere, and you also know they’re pushing you for your own good.