Chapter 31: A Final Note of Resignation
After the initial shock of “the conversation” with Claudia wore off, Austin began to make a number of changes in his life. Even in the early days of September Austin found his life remaining in flux. Some changes were dramatic, others were quite subtle, yet change was always the common denominator.
The more he reflected on the conversation, and he did this almost daily, he found more material ripe for self-analysis. Austin figured he would someday refer to this period as his midlife crisis. Yet, at this time he preferred to look at it as a kind of house cleaning. Claudia’s words, even when they weren’t necessarily true still contained information for him to act on.
Austin was most affected by Claudia’s claim that he was a gambler, just like his father. He had always emotionally distanced himself from his father, and he found the possibility of being anything like him to be truly horrific. After many restless nights he decided Claudia had a point and in his own way he was a gambler.
One of the changes this sad realization had on Austin was to make him more conservative regarding economic matters. Austin began to pay attention to, rather than blissfully ignore his economic situation. Instead of letting all his assets ride on that roulette wheel known as the stock market, Austin took some money off the table and invested it in safer ventures. He also took a more active approach to managing the money he did have in stocks and quickly learned he had an innate skill in this field. Never, until now, had Austin figured out to the penny his net worth.
Knowing all along that money meant power, Austin now considered ways in which he could use his wealth to influence the world in a positive manner. Previously, Austin viewed such speculation as dangerous and career threatening. He figured any cause he supported or action he took would inevitably alienate himself from potential clients or be viewed as a conflict of interest with current ones.
Austin knew keeping a low profile and never expressing a political viewpoint was the only way to insure himself of not angering or offending a client. Yet, suddenly Austin became far less concerned with insulting customers. He figured if they were so closed minded as to terminate their business relationship with him because of his convictions, then the possibility of his being able to have a positive impact on their business practices was very slim.
In the early days of summer Austin found he had lost some of his determination. Claudia’s words confused and haunted him causing him to doubt his whole career and lifestyle. Yet, the more he thought about it, the more obvious it became to him that she was only challenging him to be more aggressive and focused on his goal of making the world a better place.
Austin felt it was Claudia’s contention that he wasted many opportunities to positively influence the world by trying to make everybody happy and playing the game. He once again found himself agreeing with this assessment and busied himself with finding ways to be more assertive and influential.
While his business career flourished, Austin’s personal life floundered. The emotional scars from his failed marriage were far from being healed. He was devastated by how much anger and pain Claudia had felt. Austin had always prided himself on his ability to be sensitive to the needs of others and for being able to successfully tend to any needs he perceived. The degree to which he was unaware of the depth of Claudia’s feelings shook him to his core. He felt he no longer could trust his instincts and had to start all over in learning how to read people. Austin remained cautiously confident in his ability to read people in business situations, but felt totally lost in reading people involved in his personal life.
Austin felt his endless obsessing of Claudia was a sure sign of his not being ready to begin another relationship. He often wondered if it was love or hurt pride which most inspired him to think of Claudia, their marriage and their last conversation so much. He knew their love was real, but he knew the pain and hurt she felt was also real. He had always strived to be the ideal lover, and the thought he was unconsciously being manipulative and insensitive to her needs was truly emotionally devastating to him.
Lying lazily in bed, Austin’s thoughts were once again on Claudia. He was in that middle state of consciousness neither totally conscious nor totally asleep. He was in that quasi-dream state where one was never sure if one were dreaming or merely wishing.
The day was already warm and it was sure to be one of those irritatingly hot September days in the midwest when one wishes the summer heat would finally cease. Austin had no desire to get out of bed, let alone get any work done on such a stifling day. He knew he could hide from the heat by quickly moving from one air conditioned environment to the next, but today he didn’t want to hide from anything. If nature was telling him to hibernate, well then, he’d hibernate.
Austin pictured himself with Claudia wading in the cool refreshing waters of Lake Michigan. He saw her smile of contentment, a smile he missed so much, as they walked silently along the water’s edge. They talked, they laughed, just as they did hundreds of times before. His mind pictured her in a series of different hairdos and bathing suits, all from pleasant times of their past.
Even while in this dream Austin thought to himself how he viewed all their years together as good years. Just as he couldn’t decide on which haircut was best or which bathing suit he preferred, he was unable to think of a year which was the best of their lives together. Even the last year with all its pain and turmoil had so many good moments, so many memories he would treasure forever.
Without warning his dream changed. He saw himself answering the door and seeing Claudia, not unlike the time she came over for “the discussion”. Yet, this time, instead of a scowl, her face was full of tears.
Before he had an opportunity to say anything or to question why she’d come over, he heard her exclaim, “Yes! Oh my God, yes!”, as she buried her head into his chest crying and holding on for dear life.
Austin, like he had felt in many dreams, could still not find a way to speak. While he was dreaming he wondered if his unspoken words in dream were truly silent, or if he was making the moaning sounds he did signaling to Claudia he was having a nightmare. He briefly remembered her hugging him when his nightmares caused him to moan in panic as his frozen mouth attempted to speak in his dream.
While Claudia was hugging him he saw a piece of paper she was holding in her hand fall to the floor. He then pictured the paper being unfolded with the creases from its being clutched in her hand still vaguely visible. The paper was a letter from him which read:
Dearest Claudia,
I want to begin this letter by apologizing for a couple of things. First, I want to apologize for being so curt and cold in the last letter I sent you. I really wanted to thank you for telling me all you did. It took guts to say those things and they needed to be said. I want you to know that I’m not angry at you.
The second apology is for writing you after all this time. I hope this letter does not cause you any unnecessary pain, or increase your mistrust of me. I do plan on respecting your wishes to cut off all communication, but I needed to write one last letter.
My life has changed greatly since our last conversation. Your words had a powerful affect on me, and I’m trying to make many changes in my life. I’m trying to be less of a gambler, and to make more conscious decisions about the future in both my personal and professional life.
I am attempting to change many of the ways I conduct myself in my business affairs. I’m being even more selective of the projects I agree to work on, and am trying harder to avoid using techniques which persuade the public through deception or manipulation. I thought long and hard on your questions regarding my goals and fears of the public. I now am making a concerted effort to educate the public whenever possible so that I’m increasing rather than reducing their ability to make wise and informed decisions.
One other realization I’ve had recently can be directly attributed to you and that is: How can I hope to make the world a better place if I can’t even make the person I love and respect the most happy?
There is one other thing I want to admit. You’re right, there is no gravity……..
(over)
In Austin’s mind he saw the page turn over. He shifted in bed a little as he read on.
…..you can fly as high as you want.
I must admit I have no intention of retiring, but I do have a proposition for you. I still love and want you back. If you return I vow to only take on projects which you sanction and will conduct the campaigns in ways in which you approve. I also pledge I will use all my financial resources and connections to help educate the public and to encourage them to stand up for what is right. Finally, I pledge to always do my best to make you happy and proud of everything we say and do as a couple.
All my love,
Austin
After finishing the letter Austin opened his eyes, and seeing Claudia’s familiar right shoulder exposed above the sheets leaned over and kissed it. Snuggling next to her as she lay on her side he hugged her as hard as he could and vowed to himself to make her the happiest woman in the world.
Closing his eyes Austin thought how fortunate he was that some dreams really do come true. Now, he thought, if I can only convince Claudia to spend the day at the beach with me.