“Can we get a dog Mama?” asked the child with the large chocolate brown eyes. “I really want a puppy dog.”
“What kind of dog do you want dearest? asked mom looking down at her sweet child’s perpetually rosy cheeks and smiling face.
“A sheep dog, Mama!” he said excitedly. “I want a big sheep dog,” he proclaimed theatrically throwing out his arms as far as he could to show the dog’s size.
“Oh dearest,” she laughed regretfully, “big dogs like that should not be in the city. They need to be on a big farm so they can run around, or on a hill full of sheep.”
“I’d like some sheep,” said the giggling boy.
Claudia woke up with the image of the smiling boy still strong in her mind. Many of her dreams lately contained a son. He was always smiling, happy and very inquisitive. She had never seen a boy quite like him, but she was sure if she had a son, it would be the boy from her dreams.
Never before had Claudia thought much about having children. Her rather bleak view of the world and the path it was on, kept any maternal desires from surfacing. Yet now, as her optimism grew, so did her receptivity to the possibility of being a mother. She still wouldn’t say she desired having a child, but she no longer would say she was opposed to bringing a child into this world.
Since there was no man in her life, Claudia supposed it was a safe time to dream of motherhood. She didn’t view the dreams as expressing so much a hidden desire to be a mother, but more likely a natural response to her improved vision of the world.
Sitting up in bed Claudia’s body was damp from the humidity. Hot August days in the city could be brutal, but Claudia remained resolved not to use the air conditioning. She figured she was about the last person in the city to be using fans instead of air conditioners.
Getting up she stood next to the fan and let the air flow first over her face and then over the rest of her body as she slowly rotated herself in front of the fan. Once the dampness on her body subsided she entered the bathroom to take a shower.
When in the shower she thought she heard the sound of Austin’s voice calling out to her. She even yelled out, “What, I can’t hear you,” before she realized it was only her imagination.
Claudia had begun to have many such hallucinations regarding Austin. She often heard him talking, felt him lying next to her in bed, or heard his footsteps in the next room. Sometimes she even smelt his cologne when she walked past a place where he could be present, even sometimes at a restaurant.
Claudia had often read about people who experience phantom limbs after an amputation and figured her hallucinations regarding Austin were similar. Even though she felt her life was moving forward, she still was mourning the loss of Austin. The phantoms of Austin didn’t start for the first month or so, but now had become a part of each and every day.
They hadn’t spoken or seen each other since the day she went and confronted Austin at the apartment. She sent Austin a letter about a week later apologizing for being so harsh and cruel. In the letter she said she wanted him to know she still loved him, but agreed they needed to move on with their lives.
Austin sent one brief note letting Claudia know that though they were no longer together she could still use all their credit cards, and take money out of their account anytime she pleased. Austin stated he had no interest in getting a divorce or getting the legal system involved in their affairs, but he would be willing to do whatever she wanted.
The hallucinations regarding Austin began shortly after she received his note. Even though the note was short, it did seem to be final. After reading the note Claudia felt a sense of closure, and immediately began to mourn the end of their relationship.
On a practical level the shift to the single life had been smoother than Claudia would have expected. The past month she sold a few of her paintings and was offered a part time job at a local gallery. The owner of the gallery planned on opening up another shop or two and was grooming Claudia to take over one of the shops.
Though she enjoyed her time at the gallery, Claudia was still not convinced she would enjoy managing a small gallery. In order to broaden her options, Claudia signed up for fall classes at DePauw. At this point she was taking courses for fun and anticipated a field of interest will eventually emerge on its own.
No matter where she went recently, Claudia ran into men wanting to talk to her. She had interesting conversations at the gallery, bookstores, parks and outdoor cafes. On the couple of occasions where she had been asked out, she explained her recent break-up and told her suitors it still was too early for her to date. Claudia knew the day was approaching when she would go out on dates, but figured she should wait until her phantoms of Austin were to die out.
Last week she received a most unexpected invitation when Kendra asked if she would like to make their relationship more intimate. Though Claudia had noticed how seldom Kendra talked of men, she had no idea Kendra liked women. Claudia had always wondered how she would respond to such a proposition, but quickly realized she harbored nothing more than curiosity regarding lesbian relationships.
When all was said and done, she still missed Austin. Their relationship was more intimate and loving than she had ever dreamed possible. In no other relationship had she found anyone as kind, caring and compassionate. There was no thought of her’s which he was unwilling to listen to, no feeling he was unwilling to share. When she now talked to other men, she was struck by how often their eyes and minds seemed to wander while she talked. Her life with Austin had spoiled her and she worried it had made her expectations of a relationship dreadfully unrealistic.
Yet, despite her undying love for Austin she had no doubt they made the right decision. She now felt clean and optimistic and returning to Austin’s world would make her feel dirty and pessimistic. No matter how good Austin made her feel and how wonderful their relationship, the real world still lurked ominously outside. For Claudia life with Austin was like living with a wonderful prince where she would have to watch the suffering of his subjects every time she left the castle’s gates.
Claudia compared life with Austin to living the best life capitalism had to offer. Her life was full of all the comforts and conveniences capitalism produced. She was healthy, wealthy and enjoyed the free use of the bounty of the planet. She had an ideal marriage and a lifestyle most people could only dream about.
Wealth and success were incredibly seductive, and many people felt that such an end justified whatever means were used to get there. Likewise, most people would view the beauty of her relationship with Austin to be its own justification. Most would say that what he did for a living had no bearing on their relationship. If he was a good man to her, just like as long as society was good to you, then that was all that should matter.
Yet, all these pleasures were made possible by the constant destruction of the planet and the exploitation of uncountable workers in the nation and abroad. Her decision to leave Austin, like her decision to remove herself from opulence, was based on her desire to do the right thing, and to also make sure she was doing as little as possible to support those who manipulated, deceived or exploited their contemporaries.
Claudia realized she will probably never be able to influence the world, let alone change it. She knew her commitment to consume less and save more would do little to alter the future of society. Yet, each and every day she considered it a blessing to be able to look in the mirror and congratulate herself on not adding to the waste and destruction. She considered herself fortunate to think of such matters without feeling a sense of personal guilt.
Claudia hoped one day to become more politically active. She hoped that through example and conversation she could slowly make a small contribution to saving the planet from its current excesses. She hoped one day a movement sensitive to the needs of the planet and its people would emerge, and she dreamed that one day during her lifetime society would replace the market economy with one more sensitive to the environment and respectful of its citizens.
There was no doubt Claudia missed Austin and all the joy and pleasure their relationship offered. Claudia would freely admit her life was now less comfortable and often less enjoyable than it had been with Austin. She would also admit to occasionally missing the air conditioning, the expensive dinners and the spontaneous trips all over the globe. Yet, the knowledge of doing the right thing more than compensated for all she lost.
Claudia did not want the world to return to a simpler time. She did not view technology and progress as being evil, in fact her view of the future included all the benefits of modern technology. She liked making the world a better place, all she objected to was the wastefulness and destruction incurred when progress is the only goal.
Sure she knew Austin was right when he called her an idealist. She knew she was right when she called him an idealist. It was their idealistic natures which allowed them to create such a beautiful relationship. Claudia believed that if someone like Austin used that idealism in their work they could indeed create a better world. If Austin trusted the world the way he trusted himself and Claudia, he good go a long way towards creating a truly good society. A society where people shared the bounty of the planet without feeling a need to destroy or deceive.
Claudia was excited about the future. She looked forward to spending her time being the best person she could be, and looking for every opportunity life provided where she could make a difference. At thirty five years of age she felt like her whole life was still ahead of her. She didn’t regret a thing that happened, but instead saw even her break up with Austin in a positive light.
Without Austin she never would have learned so much about love and the world, and she never would have experienced the joy and intimacy which now fueled all her efforts. It was her marriage to Austin which convinced her life could be as good as her dreams, and made it possible for her to follow her dreams once again.