Anytime she hears the heavy clip clop of her shoes on the pavement her mind becomes aware of her deep, labored breathing. Claudia stops, takes a few deep breaths, waits until her breathing slows and then begins walking at a slow, soft leisurely pace. The moment her mind drifts her gait quickens and her determined steps once again begin to echo off the cement.
Claudia has circled the block three times. During this time she has struggled in vain to work through her anger. Her pulse and breathing quicken each time she searches for the words to express her feelings. Stopping once again she looks up at the windows of their old apartment. After adjusting her attitude one more time, she begins walking once again.
The pressure being applied by Austin on Claudia to make a final decision regarding their relationship had been getting worse. The better things went, the more impatient he became. His subtle references and jokes had been replaced by pointed questions and relaxed confrontation. His point was very clear, he didn’t like their marriage being in limbo, and she needed to make a decision.
His impatience upset her. She couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t just enjoy things as they were. It wasn’t like the relationship was stagnant. Couldn’t he see how the relationship was moving forward? Didn’t he like the conversations they were having? Couldn’t he see how good she was feeling?
Yet, this morning he crossed the line. She didn’t care how nicely he said it, he still gave her an ultimatum. How dare he tell her that things couldn’t continue this way. Whatever could he mean by “this” way? Did he mean he couldn’t handle how happy she was on her own? Was he threatened by her new thoughts? Did he mean he couldn’t handle her feeling optimistic about the future in a way which was different from his?
The clip clopping resounded like thunder in her ears before she once again heard it. Pausing for a brief moment, she decided it was time for her to go talk to him. If it was ultimatums he wanted, it was ultimatums he would get.
Answering the door, Austin was shocked to see Claudia. His heart leapt for a brief moment with the possibility she had decided to return to him. Yet, the lack of suitcases, and the fire in her eyes quickly dispelled any such notion.
“What a wonderful surprise,” Austin said a moment before he sensed her anger.
Claudia not feeling the least bit pleasant said nothing and waited for Austin to invite her in. Once inside, she stomped into the living room and while pacing said, “Austin, we need to talk.”
“Sure sweetheart,” Austin answered sweetly, “what’s wrong?”
Still unable to make eye contact Claudia watched her feet punish the carpet as she said, “I’ve met all your impatience with my patience, but no longer. If it’s decisions you want, it’s decisions you’ll get.”
Seeing the next words out of her mouth were not going to be, “I love you, and I want to return home,” Austin began to deal with his own sense of panic. He wanted to calm her down, to reassure her everything would be all right.
“I apologize for putting pressure on you, for asking you to make decisions before you’re ready. My impatience is my problem not yours. It’s just that I love you, and want to spend all my time with you.”
“Pressuring people isn’t a sign of love,” Claudia spat out loudly, “it’s a sign of desperation. A lack of trust.”
Austin did not agree with Claudia’s point, but realizing it would be fruitless to contest it. At this moment he remained silent.
“What reason would you have to not trust me?” Claudia continued on angrily finally lifting her head, “If anyone is lacking of trust it would be you.”
“You have often kept things from me because you felt it would protect me. You treated me like a child, giving me no credit in being able to handle the truth. You’ve deceived me and manipulated me like you do the public. Like the time you bought my paintings and had me believe strangers had bought them. Just how many times have you done such things?” Claudia’s voice quaked with anger as she spoke.
“I didn’t hide things from you very often, and I stopped doing it once I realized how much it hurt you,” Austin said lovingly.
“See! You didn’t stop because it was wrong, you stopped only because it hurt me. Don’t you see why I can’t trust you? You’re so used to deceiving people that you don’t even know when you’re doing it? So, I can’t trust you to do the right thing, unless I catch you doing the wrong thing? So, how can I ever trust you?”
Austin fell back onto the couch and placed his hands over his temples. He was hurt by her statements and was becoming very angry. He felt like yelling, he felt like crying, but he knew neither response would help the situation. He felt like he was drowning and had no idea which way was up.
Continuing to pace, Claudia cited a few more examples of times she found out he had been hiding information from her, or orchestrated events in her life. After each example she challenged him by asking how he ever expected her to trust him. Once finished with this topic she pursued a slightly different avenue.
“You always talk about being different than most people. You say people resist the future because they are afraid. You say you embrace the future, that you trust and relish the unknown. Yet, if you trusted the future, you wouldn’t be a part of a profession which spends its entire time manipulating and deceiving the public. A person who trusted the future, would also trust the people who are the future. A person who trusted the future would not feel a need to deceive and manipulate the public. You’re not open to the future. You don’t trust the future. All you do is try to create the future, that’s not trust, that’s fear.”
Austin looked up at Claudia who was still pacing. His eyes pleaded with her to stop. Despite still feeling very angry and suffocated, she did see the desperation in Austin’s eyes. She knew what she was saying would only end up destroying Austin or causing him to explode. Yet, she knew she had much more to say. If she didn’t say it now, she didn’t believe it would ever get said. She owed it to Austin, she owed it to herself, to talk on.
Claudia looked down at her feet and tried to compose herself. Though she had much more to say, she hoped she could do it calmly and not at the top of her lungs.
“I, more than anyone, know your intentions are honorable. I know everything you do is because you feel it is in the best interest of humanity. Yet, even the most protective parent learns one day they have to let their child make their own decisions. At some point people have to grow up, and it isn’t your job to think for them, or do what you think is best for them.”
Claudia’s attempts to stay calm and kind were fading fast. Her anger mounted as she observed, “You’re in the business of persuading people to want things, to think their happiness depends on owning and purchasing far more than they need. Giving a screaming child candy to end their tantrum isn’t always the best thing to do, either is supplying an addict with what they crave. No matter how noble your end goals are, your precious economic progress still is dependent on creating and exploiting the needs and desires of the consumer.”
“Now I know how dangerous a crowd can be, how quickly it can become a cruel and ruthless lynch mob,” Claudia admitted in a sympathetic tone. “There is no denying crowds often bring out the worst in people. I know how many bad actions are committed by crowds, and how much safer it is to use propaganda to make crowds into a harmless and anonymous public. I know it’s safer to do the thinking for the public and to guide their behavior through propaganda. I also realize the public mind moves slowly and it is often easier and more beneficial to do their thinking for them.”
Claudia’s voice began to climb even though she no longer wished to be harsh, “Yet what will happen if you ever need the public to make a decision? After years of manipulating and shaping the public mind, after years of doing their thinking for them, what do you think will happen?”
“The truth of the matter is that you don’t trust the future at all, because you don’t trust human nature. You fear the masses because you don’t think they are capable of making good decisions or will move at a pace which will sustain progress. The future you work towards is achieved in spite of, rather than because of, people. If you don’t trust people, then you can’t fully trust me. And if you don’t trust me, how do you expect me to trust you?”
Once again Claudia cited examples demonstrating how Austin and his peers showed a lack of trust in the public. She talked of how the fear of crowds was even taught in the PR courses in college. She talked of how on one level his profession viewed the public as mindless sheep to be persuaded and on another level as the dangerous mob to be manipulated and pacified.
“One day your mistrust of the public will come back and haunt you,” Claudia said with a prophetic tone. “The longer you and your cohorts manipulate and deceive people, the less capable individuals are to think for themselves or recognize the truth even when they are told it. People like me, who know how propaganda is used, have been taught to trust no one. You’ve injured our trust beyond repair. No matter how truthful the shapers of public opinion tried to be we would doubt their sincerity and wonder what hidden agenda they had and what they were really trying to accomplish.”
Austin sat transfixed and motionless as Claudia continued to pace and occasionally pause when she wanted to emphasize a point. She talked at length at how just as his profession had destroyed public trust beyond repair, so had he injured her trust of him very badly. She said it would take a great deal of time for her to completely trust him again, and his foolish ultimatums did nothing to help the situation.
“Throughout our marriage we had many talks about how to make the world a better place. You always asserted we were already well on our way to making the world a better place. You acknowledged the weaknesses of our society and the deceptive techniques used to manage and motivate the public. Yet, you always stated you were attempting to improve the methods of influence and make them less deceptive. In project after project you pointed out how your methods were more humane and honest than those used by others in your profession. Whenever you were forced to use deceptive practices you explained how you were being realistic and that your overall goal was still pure. You said only a player can improve the game, and a player could only improve the game through patience and perseverance. You described yourself as a realist who worked with the system, and contrasted it with the idealist who only dreamt of change.”
Claudia stopped pacing and looked straight into Austin’s eyes as she continued, “You’ve been in the field nearly half of your life. You are hailed as a genius by your peers and have reached the pinnacle of success in various avenues of PR. I cannot think of anyone more respected and loved than you. Yet, can you name one person who is following in your footsteps? Can you name even one person who has adapted your thirst for integrity, who yearns for the profession to become more direct and honest?”
Seeing that Claudia was waiting for an answer, Austin finally responded, “I don’t know Claudia, I’ve never really thought about it.” As the silence continued, he added, “But, no, I can’t name anyone off hand.”
With a growing sense of power Claudia continued, “According to Jack Taylor even the President is limited in what he can do. The game has been played for a long time and there is only so much change it can handle, or it will tolerate. Even if you were a government planner you would be limited in what you could do. You, more than anyone, know how many long-term deals and agreements we have in place. You’ve always been a fish swimming against the current. And even though you’ve been very successful, you are only one fish and it’s a strong current. Someday like the Presidents, you’ll be gone and the current will continue on towards its own future. One player will have retired, but the game will go on.”
Realizing how bleak her last words were Claudia talked on in a more sympathetic voice, “I’m not trying to say you’re a failure, far from it. I’m not trying to say you can’t change the world, because I think you can. The point I’m trying to make is that you need to find a better way of making a difference. I know it’s hard to give up all your success, but if you truly want to shape the future, you’re going to have to find a better way.”
Claudia’s voice softened and she sounded as if she were pleading when she added, “You opened up my eyes and gave me a new vision of change. You talked about changing the world through passive resistance. Since then I’ve studied the lives of Ghandi, Martin Luther King and others and have decided you were right. The world can be changed, not by playing the game, but by choosing not to play.”
Austin cleared his throat and cautiously responded, “You know how strongly I feel about the future. You know I believe the best way I can change the world is through continuing the work I’ve already begun. I think you underestimate the impact I’ve had on my field, and are blinded by your impatience and your idealism. If I truly believed passive resistance was a better way, or was even possible, don’t you think I would try it?”
“Don’t you see you’re just like your father?” Claudia inquired while shaking her head. “Both of you are gamblers. No matter how many bets he lost and how many debts he accumulated, he believed his ability to predict the future would someday bring him great wealth. He always believed his next bet would be the perfect one.”
“You pride yourself in having more faith in the future than any man you know. You tell yourself caution is based in fear, and therefore, an obstacle to progress, to ultimate success. Any reservation about the future, no matter how logical, is based in fear and must be overcome. Therefore, no matter how unsafe or unsure the future may appear, you will have the courage to blindly follow the path of the future no matter where it may lead. You, therefore, blindly gamble on the future itself, and place all your faith in it.”
Austin neither denied nor agreed with Claudia’s claim that he was just like his father. In fact, he gave no response whatever to her accusation. Instead, Austin outlined what he thought were the relative merits of passive resistance and free enterprise.
Over the next ten minutes or so they gallantly tried to convince each other of the superiority of their viewpoint. Yet, it soon became apparent to them that all they were doing was defining that great ideological gulf which separated them.
After a while longer Claudia admitted, “We could talk on for hours, but the fact of the matter is I can’t return to our old way of life. I don’t agree that our system of free enterprise is the best way, or is even a good way.”
“But, you can’t hide from reality,” Austin pointed out.
“I’m not hiding from reality. How could I? Consumerism and its propaganda are everywhere. All I’m saying is I no longer can be the wife of a man whose hands are dirty, who is assisting a system which I find morally repulsive.”
Austin began challenging each statement Claudia made. Yet, it soon was obvious to him he was dealing with not only a perception but an underlying feeling. He had learned from his many years of studying human psychology that feelings were seldom able to be changed merely through words. He also realized Claudia’s feelings of being dirty were logically grounded and her becoming sullied when assisting him in his profession was also anchored in rational thought.
Austin surprised himself when he finally concluded, “So actually, you’re the one who’s giving the ultimatum. What I hear you saying is that you won’t return to me as long as I stay in my profession.”
Claudia, too, was stunned by Austin’s observation. She couldn’t recall saying it to herself in those exact words before, but after hesitating she responded, “Yes, I guess that is what I’m saying.”
A long sustained silence ensued. Claudia sat on the couch next to Austin and after a few seconds, fell against his shoulder in tears. Austin held on to her tightly but felt oddly removed, as if this were a nightmare and not really happening.
After a few long sobs Claudia was able to say amidst her tears, “I still really do love you. I just can’t continue to feel dirty.”
Austin still feeling dislocated from the scene unfolding in front of him stayed silent. After a few seconds Claudia continued, “Your entire adult life you’ve had a dream you’ve believed in. The only dream I had was you. Yet, my growing dislike of the world made me discontent with you, my perfect dream. Now I’m finding a dream which makes me feel good about myself and the world, and like you, I don’t want to give up my dream.”
While Claudia talked Austin played out this conversation to its natural conclusion. Yes, Claudia was right, their two dreams were unreconcilable.
“You know I really can’t just retire,” Austin admitted more to himself than to Claudia. “I’ve been very successful at making my dream a reality. I can’t just give it up.”
“I know sweetheart,” Claudia said lovingly.
Tears came to Austin as he realized this was, in fact, the end of their marriage. He knew they still loved each other, but their lives were moving in completely different directions.
Austin knew Claudia would want to keep things as they were, but he knew that wouldn’t work. He needed a soulmate, someone who believed in him and shared in his dreams. Ne needed someone who admired his work and who supported him to do his very best. Though he was certain she still loved him, he was sure Claudia would never be able to fully respect him.
When Austin finally shared these thoughts with Claudia, he was already exhausted and defeated. When Claudia protested they should remain close friends if not lovers, Austin once again disagreed.
“I need someone fulltime in my life. I can’t imagine finding someone I love as much as I do you. I can’t imagine finding someone I feel as close to, or who was willing to share as much as we have shared. It would be years before they could know me as well as you know me. It would be impossible for them to supplant you if you were still part of my life.”
Austin shifted around to make direct eye contact with Claudia before adding, “You could never just be my friend. If you really thought about it, I don’t think you could ever view me as just a friend. Our lives would stagnate if we stayed friends, it would rob of us of any hope of finding love again.”
Claudia’s sobs told Austin she understood and there was no need to say more. After she stopped crying they still said very little. Though there was nothing left to say, they both feared saying good-bye.
When they finally did say good-bye, it was short and quick. Claudia gave Austin a peck on the cheek and whispered in his ear, “I’m sorry for what I said today. You know that even when I didn’t love myself, I always loved you.”
After this she turned and almost ran down the hallway never turning back.