A few candles scattered about the room provide the only light. Lounging on the couch Claudia looks at the flickering shadows dancing off the ceiling, which are drawing her deeper and deeper into thought.
Most of the observations Kendra made this evening did make sense, yet Claudia found a few of her remarks very unsettling. Though she doubted their veracity she knew it would be best to mull them over for awhile.
Claudia concurred with Kendra’s view that her lifestyle was becoming increasingly austere. Kendra had named a number of nick knacks and furnishings which had made their slow exodus out of Claudia’s apartment. Other than a few plants which had been brought it, the apartment was becoming stark and relatively empty. She noticed Claudia had even cut down on her personal adornments, wearing almost no make-up, and seldom even wearing a bracelet or ear rings, thus leaving her engagement and wedding rings as her only daily adornments.
Kendra also said she noticed how conscientious Claudia had become about environmental issues. She labeled Claudia’s composting habits as fanatical, and claimed Claudia was the only person she knew whose purchasing decisions were often decided by the amount of packaging waste produced by the competing products.
Though Kendra had always known Claudia to be environmentally sensitive and fiscally conservative, she tried to explain why she felt these behaviors were becoming more pronounced. Kendra believed Claudia’s sense of adventure was what originally motivated her to leave the country and come to the city. She came to the city out of curiosity and a desire not to be isolated and left out. Her initial attraction to Austin was enhanced by his being at the heart of the business world.
Claudia did not necessarily disagree with any of these initial statements by Kendra. Yet, Claudia had substantial problems with Kendra’s assessment of Claudia’s current motivations.
Kendra believed Claudia’s current obsession with being natural and sensitive to nature was a return to her upbringing, a yearning for the simplicity of childhood. She saw it as a reaction against Austin and his consumptive world of corporate America. She saw it as her unconscious pleading with her to return to her basic values, to return to her homeland.
Her desire to return to rural life, was in conflict with her love for Austin. According to Kendra the only thing keeping Claudia from moving back to the country life was her potential reconciliation with Austin.
Kendra summarized Claudia’s dilemma in the following manner. A decision to stay with Austin was also a decision to stay in the city. It was a decision whereby her love of Austin would win out over her love of nature. Yet, a decision to return to nature, would mean leaving the man she loved. It would also be a decision to give up on the world and leave it on its destructive path.
Claudia felt Kendra’s observations, though quite insightful, were too cut and dry. Claudia felt her reasons for staying in the city had little to do with Austin. She felt she stayed in the city because of and not in spite of her love of nature. Claudia did not see her current behavior as a break from, but rather a continuation of the path her and Austin were on.
Before she met Austin she was an idealistic and not a practical environmentalist. She wasn’t a compulsive shopper by any means, but she bought whatever she found pleasurable or caught her eye. She never considered the impact on the environment regarding anything she bought or owned. Claudia loved buying gifts for people and never worried about saving for the future, or harming the environment.
It was Austin who educated her and had her consider the impact even the most innocuous purchase had on the environment. His common sense logic caused her to analyze and reflect on the effect everyday consumption had on the global ecology. It was Austin who showed great restraint and always weighed the importance of each purchase. It was Austin who introduced her to the idea of thoughtful consumption where impulse and convenience were replaced by necessity and longevity.
Austin was very loving and caring on a day-to-day basis and seldom resorted to the purchasing of gifts to show his affections. Their marriage revolved around their relationship, and not on what they owned and accumulated together. Austin looked at wealth as providing them with freedom, he used his wealth to purchase time together rather than merely buying cars, boats and exotic vacations.
Since she had left Austin, Claudia had spent the majority of her time thinking, reflecting and evaluating. During this time, it is true, she found herself becoming more absorbed in thoughts regarding how mankind was destroying the planet. She was aware how these reveries made her even more devoted to doing things in an environmentally friendly manner.
Many of these concerns had been born from the anger and disgust she felt regarding the actions of corporate America. Her anger was not at Austin, or as Kendra believed, a reaction to Austin. Once again, she had no problem with the prince, but only his kingdom.
Though she still was uncertain whether she would ultimately be with Austin, she did not believe it was correct to say she was staying in Chicago because of Austin. Regardless of what happened with Austin, Claudia believed she would remain in the city. Kendra was right when she pointed out Claudia’s love of nature, but she was wrong to think this love necessitated her moving back to the country. Quite the contrary, Claudia believed her love of nature required her to remain an urban dweller.
Long ago, during one of their discussions, Austin said that being a true environmentalist was a very extreme, and impractical position. He suggested that, if Claudia wanted to understand what being a true environmentalist was, she needed to read some Zen and Taoist philosophy. After some time Claudia decided to heed his advice, and especially over the last several months Claudia had read and reflected on much of Eastern thought.
Austin was right in that Claudia did find much of what she read to be very revealing and challenged the way she lived and thought. With the help of many Taoist and Buddhist thinkers she was able to fathom the full ramifications of the American way of life on the planet. She did this by imagining the functioning of nature without man’s intervention.
Claudia was struck by the portion of man’s activity which is spent altering nature rather than working with it. Many animals alter their environment in the battle for survival. Yet, these changes are usually subtle and do not greatly effect other wildlife. The exceptions to this are animals such as beavers whose endeavors actually create an ecosystem, one that is dramatic, but consistent. Man, on the other hand, drastically alters the environment in less predictable ways making it difficult for wildlife to adapt, survive and evolve.
What truly distinguishes man from the rest of nature is when he alters the environment for pleasure rather than need. Man finds almost any motivation to alter the environment acceptable. Man destroys ecosystems for progress, convenience, recreation, education and religion. He does it because of boredom, for art, to punish and for experimentation.
While most animals try to blend into the environment to hide from predators, man announces his presence with neon lights and skyscrapers. While most animal shelters are hard to find, man’s houses and building are impossible to miss. While most animals only kill their prey, mankind kills not only for food, but almost every time they work, do a project, or have fun.
When Claudia went to the park, to the beach or even camped she found no escape from man’s disrespect for nature. Even in the dead of winter man felt a need to control the environment and alter nature. In the park man shoveled, salted and plowed in winter, he planted, mowed, trimmed, painted, built, paved and raked in the other seasons.
One day while camping Claudia watched some ants struggling with a small pebble, it took hours for them to position it near their hill. She was fascinated by their efforts and patience, and it had her realize how the survival of so many insects, plants and small animals depend on the exact location of everything from stones and leaves, to puddles and twigs.
After watching the ants, Claudia moved out into the sunlight and sat on the dry stones at the edge of a stream. She studied for a while the diverse world lying before her. She noticed many small insects dart at its surface, she saw tiny fish scurrying below, each and every nook and cranny seemed to have its own significance. The flow of the water, where it formed little still pools on rock, and the mosses on stones all seemed important and essential.
Claudia’s reveries on her stream world were disrupted when a father and his two kids came upon her walking down the river. They were laughing and having fun by kicking the water at each other. They stopped every few yards and picked up stones to throw at surrounding trees or skipping them across the water heading downstream. As they made their way downstream Claudia pondered the effect they had on the little world near her feet. First their was the noise which did cause some birds to flee, then there was kicking of the water and throwing of the stones. Who knows how long those stones had been in place and what little creatures’ worlds were thrown into chaos by their displacement.
This experience showed her Austin was right about a true environmentalist being an extreme and impractical position. Yet, Claudia believed that just because it is impossible to let nature be, it doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try. No one is perfect, but we shouldn’t use that as an excuse to be cruel or evil. Claudia believed it was her duty to try and be as kind to nature as she could.
Claudia had not shared these thoughts with Kendra because she didn’t want to cut her off or be viewed as defensive. Yet, she planned to talk to her about her views sometime later. She was convinced she could sufficiently explain how her respect for nature actually kept her from moving out of the city.
Claudia’s guilt regarding man’s treatment of nature actually necessitated she live in the city. She felt the world was overpopulated and man had already claimed and altered too much of the earth. Showing her love of nature by fleeing the masses seemed to be both selfish and ineffective. All she would be doing was increasing the amount of land dominated by humans and, by her very presence, altering the existing ecosystems in the area. Claudia believed loving nature should not necessitate one’s harming it, just like the first option of a person who truly loves lions wouldn’t be to cage them.
A few days ago Claudia read an article in the paper discussing the alarming increase in the occurrence of floods in cities and suburbs. It seemed odd to her how the article discussed the problem without once even mentioning the obvious reason for the increase in flooding. The more one covers the ground with buildings, roads and sidewalks the less chance water has of finding a place to drain. When there is no ground, where else can the water go, what else can it do but float on top of concrete. Water which would be absorbed by millions and millions of acres of dirt, now has to be funneled into concrete sewers.
The whole process of covering the earth with concrete reminded Claudia of a M&M candy. In her mind we were taking all the rock from the center of the earth and placing it on the surface creating a “candy coated shell”. Often times when at the park she wondered where all the ants and earthworms went when land was covered with asphalt roads and concrete sidewalks and parking lots.
In an overpopulated world it seemed natural to her to stay in the city. She figured that if we all huddled together at least it will leave some room for nature and wildlife. Claudia was content communing with nature at parks and at the city beaches.
Even before she met Austin, Claudia was very concerned about overpopulation. So strong were her feelings that they prohibited her from ever trying to have a child. Though she loved Austin and felt he’d make a great father, she deemed it selfish and self-centered to entertain the thought of bringing another child into the world.
Claudia planned on living well into her nineties. She figured if she had even one child, and they had one child, who had one child, that before her and her husband died, they would have more than replaced themselves. So even if she only had one child, Claudia was convinced she would most likely be adding to the population problem. The fact her brother and sister already had pumped out seven progeny made her feel even more uncomfortable with the possibility of having children.
Her resolve to refrain from motherhood was often challenged when she saw the little child in Austin. Every now and then, a facial expression, gesture or quizzical look, gave Claudia a glimpse of Austin in his childhood. It was at these moments Claudia felt a deep calling from her center strongly beckoning her to be a mother.
Looking around the room Claudia sighed as her thoughts were temporarily redirected towards Austin. She thought how ironic it was that her first real teacher regarding ecological issues was an ad man whose livelihood depended on his ability to get people to consume or purchase in ever increasing amounts. Who would ever believe such a gifted salesman was so sparse in his purchases, so disinterested in possessions?
Claudia was proud of how much she had scaled down her life, how little she got by on. She still believed she could cut back further. She still desired to trim even more fat away from her life.
A quick inventory of her possessions showed little waste. Most of the furniture in her apartment had been in her family for generations. Most of her eating utensils, dishware, and appliances were either heirlooms or wedding gifts. The paintings on the walls were her own drawings, while the electric and oil lamps she had purchased years ago.
It saddened her to think that even these things were destined to one day become landfill. She wished every one of her purchases in the future could be made of biodegradable materials, but in the mean time she had to settle with trying to make sure everything she purchased was recyclable.
Though she had donated and given away many of her belongings, she still believed there were many items she could weed out which were basically unessential clutter. Only a few of these items, mainly electrical appliances such as a bread machine and a juicer were visible, the others were stored in cabinets, closets and boxes, placed in a storage space in the basement.
The more comfortable Claudia became with herself the less she felt a need to surround herself with objects. The more secure she felt, the more at peace she was. When at peace, Claudia found satisfaction in her own thoughts and, therefore, found it unnecessary to fill up her time with activities.
Her new found patience made it possible for her to enjoy simple but time consuming chores. This is what was making it possible for her to consider getting rid of many of her electronic conveniences. She now enjoyed spending her day floating from one menial task to another while contemplating about herself and the world. Baking a homemade cake, knitting, or making candles from paraffin provided her with a sense of accomplishment.
Claudia was becoming increasingly convinced that most people collect objects to try to fill the emptiness in their lives. She believed the majority of personal consumption was fostered by neurotic need. She believed the root of most people’s need to be in constant motion, to spend their life going from one activity to another, was born from insecurity and discomfort.
Though she had always been a person who had no trouble lazily spending an afternoon in an open field, she still found herself struggling to overcome her fidgeting and feelings of boredom when she sometimes tried to sit quietly. This only reinforced her conviction that people become workaholics and glorify work out of fear and discomfort, likewise, that is why they even fill their leisure time with tasks and activities. After all, as every happy youngster has been warned “an idle mind is the devil’s workshop”.
Claudia was still unsure if Austin was something she needed to weed out of her life. She loved him deeply, but did not need to be dependent on him. It appeared to Claudia that if they were destined to be together, they should at least be traveling the same path.
Though he valued his time and placed his thoughts and feelings above activities, he still promoted the world of blind consumption. Even though Austin was quite capable of separating his career from his personal life, Claudia was not sure if she wanted to, or even could. She figured at some point what one did, had to have an impact on who one was.