Claudia snuggled into the warm spot of the bed. Her mind pictured his form like an infrared heat sensor imprinted on the sheets. She squirmed a little in the futile struggle to keep the outlines of his body from shrinking, from shriveling down to the contours of her own body.
Pulling the covers up to her nose she took a deep breath attempting to lock on to the presence which had only minutes ago left her side. The sparklers were still firing in her belly, but the phantom of his body was quickly fading. She knew in a few minutes all external remnants of Austin would be gone.
The more he faded, the more she held on to him internally. The hundreds of quivers and shivers she prodded on by tightening and relaxing her body kept Austin inside of her. She knew his presence would linger deep inside her soul for a number of hours. She knew even hours from now all she would have to do is to think of him and her body would tingle and a rush of warmth would stream over her.
Sending him home was difficult, but she was confident it was the right decision. Their making love was inevitable, but they still had much to accomplish before they could truly live together. She had not planned on making love to Austin this evening, but the pressure and tension caused by their attraction to each other became too much for them. They were paralyzed by desire and they both knew nothing else could be resolved until their passion was set free.
The moment they were together Claudia felt the bursting of an incredible bubble of tension. She breathed deeper and clearer than she felt possible, she felt warmer and more secure than she had in months. In his arms her whole body felt like it had been painlessly snapped back into alignment. Energy long dammed up coursed through her body with electric quickness.
Lying on her back Claudia felt her body expand and contract with her breathing. Each time she took a breath she felt herself bob up and down as if she were floating on water. The contented pulsing of her body enhanced the sensation of being lifted up by soft undulating laps of water. She felt herself slowly drifting downstream her flushed cheeks let her imagine the warm sun bathing her upturned face.
The contented smile on her face lingered as she slowly drifted downstream. In the stillness the pulsing of her heart soon transformed itself into the rushing of far away water down river. Her tranquil scene continued to broaden as she floated on. She heard birds, even smelled various tree blossoms as she slowly glided down her imaginary river.
This lovely scene drew her mind back to thoughts of Austin. Her present joy with Austin had her fantasize their future. Yet, despite all her efforts to cling on to her present peacefulness, future thoughts of Austin brought up feelings of anxiety. Her fears regarding their future caused the rush in her ears to sound like the approach of a waterfall. No matter how hard she tried to listen to the birds and smell the lilac blossoms, the roar of the waterfall grew louder. Her eyes opened as she felt herself no longer drifting but being pulled towards the thunderous crashing of the waterfall.
Rolling over on her side, Claudia pouted for a moment at the loss of her paradise. Raising herself up for a moment she fluffed her pillow and then nestled back into it. She wished she could be, like Austin, blindly optimistic about the future. Yet, she knew her realism is what had her send him home, and which also was responsible for the recent growth in their relationship.
Claudia realized the reintroduction of sex into their relationship would pose problems, but she also figured it solved many others. She hoped with passions satiated, their discussions would be even more cerebral and clear. Without the distraction of sexual tension she hoped they would be able to see each other more realistically.
Yet, Claudia knew that once these passions were released it would be very difficult to bury them again. Each time they made love she knew it would be harder to keep her resolve and not let him spend the night. She knew the tensions would shift from the desire to make love to the desire to spend more time with each other, to live together.
Despite these realities Claudia did not regret making love to Austin. In fact, she found it hard to understand why they had waited so long. She was, after all, very much in love with him. Making love to Austin made her feel complete, and so very alive. The moment they embraced she felt like Snow White waking from a long slumber.
The problem for Claudia was she loved the prince, but hated his kingdom. Though she felt good about the progress they were making with their discussions, she still could not envision returning to Austin’s world. Though Austin was an enchanted prince, the world of public relations was for her still an evil kingdom.
The thoughts of Snow White had Claudia think of the golden apple. Though wishing to stay snuggled in bed the vision of the apple won out and Claudia put on her robe and shuffled to the refrigerator to get a green apple.
Back in bed she began munching on the apple while considering her bittersweet problem. The tartness of the apple shocked her sleepy mouth. As the sourness constricted her cheeks, Claudia thought of how much she liked things which were a mixture of sweet and sour. She loved the alive feeling she got when she bit into a really sour juicy apple. She loved the quiver she experienced when her throat, tongue and puckered cheeks all convulsed from an explosion of sourness.
She wondered how much she was in love with the bittersweet state of their relationship. Maybe, she didn’t want it to be resolved. Maybe, she liked how alive the tension in their current relationship made her feel. Perhaps she was in love with the urgency their every interaction entailed, how vibrant and alive seemed each moment they spent together.
After considering this awhile, Claudia decided that though she did love the excitement of the unknown, it paled in comparison to the fulfillment she reaped when sharing every moment of life with her soul mate.
She was very pleased with the content of the conversations they had been having. Even this evening’s discussions had been quite productive. She felt each discussion brought them closer, and allowed them to understand each other better.
This isn’t to say they used to be strangers. Claudia had always been proud of the amount they talked and the quality of what they shared, and she had always viewed them as having the most intimate relationship of anyone they knew. All during their marriage they discussed their ideas, dreams, reservations and emotions. Though they seldom argued, neither of them had any trouble talking about problems they had with each other, or personal habits they found irritating.
Their marriage had always been about personal growth and happiness. The only difference now was that Claudia was able to articulate a problem she had previously chosen not to discuss, or even to explain to herself. Though it seemed silly to her now, she realized she indeed had been afraid to talk about her negative feelings regarding Austin’s career. Her fear was born out of a lack of confidence in her ideas, and in her desire not to attack something so important to Austin’s happiness. Austin was probably the most gifted public relations man of his generation, and she always felt odd questioning the very essence of that talent.
Early on in their relationship Claudia became very intrigued by Austin’s choice of careers. Even though he was obviously a stupendous ad man, he broke all the stereotypes of his profession. At first Claudia figured she was just being prejudiced and real ad men were nothing like their reputations. Yet, other than Austin, everyone she met in the field was a lot like the stereotype.
Next, Claudia considered the possibility that her love for Austin blinded her from seeing his faults, or any personality trait which she might view in a negative light. She then had all her friends meet Austin to hear their first impressions of him. Those who did not know his occupation were shocked to learn he was in public relations and those who knew his profession were as baffled as Claudia.
If one looked hard one could see Austin had many of the personality traits one needs to be successful in public relations. Austin was very persuasive and subtly manipulative. When in a group he was able to make everyone feel attended to and important. Austin was able to get people to find their common ground and feel optimistic about any plan of action. He was charming and kind with a great sense of humor, but was able to blend in and let other’s take the credit.
Knowing his talents, Claudia often times felt over-matched when they were discussing ideas. She did sense his ability to use his powers of persuasion to his advantage, and she was always a little leery of his compliments. Though his attending nature formed the backbone of their relationship, she did have trouble with how he often controlled events and emotions, like her art exhibition.
Despite these talents, Austin still remained one of the most honest and genuine people Claudia had ever known. She was always amazed at how gifted a manipulator he was, and yet how seldom he resorted to exploiting her or his friends with this talent. Claudia thought it was remarkable how Austin was able to separate his business world from his personal life. A simple example was in how the primary goal of almost every ad campaign was to get people to buy more, yet he seldom purchased anything he truly didn’t need. Another example was in how much he valued his free time, while everyone else in his profession worked incessantly.
After finishing her apple Claudia decided to lie back down and see if she could fall back asleep for a few more hours. Finding a comfortable position she resumed thinking about how unique a man was Austin.
His career goals and business motivations definitely separated him from his peers. At parties and social gathering his competitors would brag about personal wealth, the monetary size of a campaign they were conducting, or the expense and extravagance of some of their possessions. Austin would be very complimentary during these discussions, but would say little about his activities. In fact, publicly, Austin never disclosed his personal and business goals and said almost nothing regarding his ad campaigns and public relation activities.
Knowing how different his goals were from his peers, Austin only shared them in private. Austin being very idealistic, cared little about acquiring money and possessions. Instead, Austin desired to change the world. He wanted to make the world a better place and be a player in the world’s future.
Austin believed the world was headed in the right direction. He felt that only a capitalistic society such as ours could improve the standard of living for most people on the planet. Though he admitted that some of our business practices were inefficient and even prevented many people from “participating in affluence” he believed free enterprise was still the only viable plan on the table.
Claudia believed Austin often exaggerated his blind belief in the future. She felt if he were truly honest with himself he would dislike a world without trees, animals and drinkable water. Yet, she understood his need to motivate himself by committing himself to the future, and his need to distinguish himself from those he felt resisted the future because they were afraid of change.
In some ways their recent conversations did little more than define the large gulf which separated them. In some ways she felt closer to him and that he understood her better, yet in other ways she felt they were both set in their beliefs about the best course of action for the world.
Austin loved the power and influence he had, and was convinced his noble efforts would eventually succeed and be embraced by the planners and strategists who were the true architects of society. Claudia had no specific plan on how to improve society. Yet, she was becoming increasingly convinced society was on a destructive path, and a person hoping to improve society had to first completely distance themselves from its harmful ways before they could be effective.
Claudia wondered if she would ever be brave enough to tell Austin she felt he needed to remove himself from the game. This belief was contained in almost every opinion she expressed, but she never put it into exact words.
Telling Austin his method wouldn’t work and he needed to distance himself from the business world to come up with a more effective plan was frightening for a few very important reasons. First, Austin had dedicated his entire adult life to this plan and it would be very painful for him to accept its limitations. Second, it would be hard to walk away from a career which had provided him with so much success and prestige. Finally, it would be voicing the great unsaid. It would be naming their essential difference, and possibly having them recognize their underlying incompatibility. It could be the end of all discussion, the end of their relationship.
Claudia found this possibility too threatening to consider. Instead she closed her eyes and recalled their bodies mingling as one, as they had such a short time ago. She revelled in the image of Austin and her living in their own little world, happy and in love. Turning on her side she imagined Austin snuggled up against her and quickly fell asleep, safe and secure in the love they had for each other.