Chapter 20: More Than a Feeling
The moment Austin came to the door he found himself confused by an endless parade of mixed messages. Though Claudia showed no anger at him, she also demonstrated little affection. She looked attractive and blushed when he told her so, but nothing in her body language suggested she yearned for him to touch her. The conversation was pleasant and warm, but lacked the team chemistry he so missed.
He came tonight expecting her to drop the bomb, to tell him why she left, and why she didn’t plan on returning. Austin spent a good deal of the day practicing how he would react to her announcement. He hoped his voice would be able to mask his hurt and anger and instead convey his appreciation of her finally being able to express her feelings to him. He desired to let her know how much he wanted to rectify any problems, without sounding overly clingy or disrespectful of her feelings.
Claudia, too, felt very confused. Though she liked the fact that all had gone smoothly so far, she also felt like a babbling school girl unable to say anything she was truly feeling. Austin was kind and patient, but she was uncomfortable with how careful he was acting. His vigilant cautiousness only increased her self-conscious nervousness, and made it hard for her to find an appropriate moment to introduce the tacit topic of the evening.
When they finished dinner Claudia declined Austin’s offer to help her with the dishes. She said she’d get to them later, and suggested they go the living room to “chat” for awhile. Claudia’s resolve to use this transition as an opportunity to change the tone of the conversation dissolved the moment she saw the look in Austin’s eyes. The instant he sat on the couch he looked like a repentant black Labrador who sensed he was about to be reprimanded by its owner.
Caving into his sorrowful eyes, Claudia tried to find something funny to talk about. After recounting a few humorous stories regarding recent events in her life, she razzed Austin about getting caught on camera at that publicity event for the telecommunication’s merger. He laughed as he admitted his anger over seeing his face on the news, and delighted in relaying to Claudia the extent to which he raked the camera director over the coals the next day.
Things loosened up as Claudia brought up some of his past tirades over being caught on camera. Soon they began swapping stories making fun of Austin’s long standing obsession with staying out of camera range. Some of his actions were so extreme they were hilarious. They exchanged amusing story after story each one more outrageous than the previous until they were doubled over in laughter with tears streaming from their eyes. Unable to breath, let alone speak, they waved their arms pleading with each other to stop and say no more.
When their laughter finally subsided they sat back up in their respective seats and looked at each other. Claudia could see the question in Austin’s eyes. She knew he was missing these moments as much as she was, and he was wondering why it had ended. The pressure and enormity of the question caused Claudia to break eye contact and look down at the floor.
After a few excruciatingly long moments of silence, Austin could no longer restrain himself. Leaning forward he said her name in little more than a whisper. Sensing what was about to come, Claudia did not even lift her head and only mumbled a “mmph” sound in reply.
“I’ve enjoyed this evening almost as much as I’ve missed being with you. Yet, I can’t wait any longer. I need to know why you invited me over, I need to know what’s on your mind.”
Claudia looked up at Austin for a brief moment and then broke eye contact once more before admitting, “I truly wish this was a first date, then we could just enjoy this time we’re having together. We would have no expectations, and there would be nothing to explain.”
Sighing she looked at Austin and continued, “I know there is something to explain. Yet, it is so hard to talk about because it seems so imbalanced, so incredibly awkward.”
“It can’t be more awkward than leaving a marriage of ten years with little or no explanation,” Austin said not intending to be harsh only truthful.
Claudia nodded in agreement. “I didn’t leave because of a single event. I just began to feel like a bad person, like I was becoming a person who no longer cared about others.”
“What are you talking about Claudia?”, Austin asked in disbelief. “Almost everyday you advocated for the interests of the common man. You were always concerned about the poor, the environment, animals and the rights of every person on the planet.”
“Yet, each day I would silently sit by and watch as people were manipulated and lied to by the media, politicians and by the entire public relations industry.”
“So,” Austin shot back calmly but defensively, “you’re angry with the reality of the world. Do you hold me responsible? Do you view me as evil?”
“No, Austin you’re anything but evil,” Claudia replied sympathetically realizing how difficult this was all going to be for Austin to hear. “You’re a good man, who tries his best. And for a long time, I was a good woman who tried her best. But, sometimes trying your best doesn’t make it any easier. I felt like a soldier who, though his efforts are noble, finally can’t stand being part of the war. I overloaded, I became shell shocked by the harsh realities of big business.”
“But, why weren’t you happy with me?” asked Austin painfully.
“I was happy with you, sweetheart,” Claudia said softly, “I just couldn’t exist in our world anymore.”
“So you left our marriage because of my career, even though you were happy with our marriage.”
“Yes,” Claudia admitted pausing a moment before trying to clarify. “You made me feel wonderful, but the world you live in made me feel dirty. I know you feel you are doing the best you can, and you can do more for the world by being part of the game than by not. But, I’m not part of the game and I felt like a wife of an nazi SS officer who can do nothing but listen to the cries of the holocaust victims.”
“That’s outrageous and unfair,” Austin shot back quickly but not angrily. “Our society is not perfect, but it is far from evil. Despite its faults and deception, we live in the fairest and most humane civilization ever in existence.”
“I know honey,” Claudia said soothingly, “but, I’m just trying to explain the feelings I had, which caused me to leave. I felt dirty, helpless and like a queen totally removed from the pains of the populace. I just couldn’t continue lying to people, even if it was for their own good, or would have them live in relative peace and prosperity.”
“Think of all the projects we worked on together,” Austin suggested. “You often enjoyed the game of advertising, the art of persuasion and even delighted in your ability to deceive.”
“I admit there are limits to truth, and sometimes fiction is better than reality,” Claudia said feeling like she was on the verge of making a good point. “In things like novels, art, and even sales one knows going into those situations that it’s a game, a fantasy. One expects a salesman to try and seduce you into buying his products. You expect him to exaggerate its benefits and stay quiet on its limitations, but one also believes he stops short of all out lying. There are areas where fantasy and deception are not only acceptable but expected, but there are also areas where one expects to be told the truth.”
“So, what do you expect me to do? Do you expect me to quit my job, or do you expect me to try and get work in the public relations field by being totally honest?,” Austin asked sounding both confused and aggravated.
Claudia said nothing waiting to see if Austin was through with his inquisition. Austin sputtered on, “How can I have a positive impact on the world if I retire or refuse to meet the business world halfway?”
Seeing Austin truly wanted an answer Claudia said, “I’ve never suggested you give up your career. You are very good at what you do, and you do try your best to improve the world. Yet, all I’m saying is I can’t be a part of that world on a full time basis anymore. I find its methods and goals too insulting to condone any longer. I left our marriage, not because I was disgusted with you or your work, but because I was disgusted with myself and the world we live in.”
“When we’re apart,” inquired Austin, “does that world go away? Do you just watch the news and read the paper and believe everything that is said?
“No, I still analyze everything the way you taught me to,” Claudia said trying to be a little playful.
“Then, if you know its going on,” Austin continued earnestly, “and you think its dangerous, don’t you want to help insure it is used in the best interests of the public?”
“I guess, I can’t support lying to people even if it’s in their best interest,” Claudia admitted to herself as much as to Austin.
Austin stopped and stared at Claudia for a few moments. Though Austin never felt quite this way, he definitely could understand how somebody could. He knew he couldn’t convince her to share the faith he had in the future, just as she couldn’t convince him to fear it either.
“So, what do you suggest we do?” Austin asked solemnly as he continued to look deep into her eyes.
“I don’t know sweetheart,” Claudia said as her eyes teared up. “I honestly don’t know.”
Austin knew they were at an impasse. His style was to always focus on what was being successful and to build on it. Claudia’s way was to see what was wrong and to fix it. Though he always tried to remain optimistic, there were times Austin did indeed feel disgust at some of the business practices of his peers. Yet, no matter how much he disliked a given situation, he was always able to become energized by the prospect of success, by the prospect of a better tomorrow.
Yet, Claudia’s ethical nature was part of the reason he was so attracted to her. It was her high standards which he depended on to insure the integrity of his ideas. Most people would buy into his ideas based solely on the energy and evangelical like zeal in which he presented them. Claudia, on the other hand, was not moved by such devices. She had to be convinced of the true merits and long-term benefits of an idea before she would give it her support.
Neither Claudia nor Austin could find a word to say to each other. Austin moved over to the edge of the couch closest to Claudia and reached out his hand. Without looking up Claudia offered him her hand. Austin lightly held her fingertips in his and wondered if she felt the same electricity he did. Part of him wanted to grab her tightly and passionately, but another part of him wanted to cry.
In a way he felt they were like some tragic lovers from a romance novel. Though they loved each other deeply, they somehow could not overcome the social obstacles in their way. They were like an interracial couple of the 50′s, whose love may not be able to overcome the limitations of their world.
Everything Claudia had said, he had heard her say before. Yet, he never realized the depth of her conviction, he never quite realized she felt as badly as she stated tonight. He now understood how fundamentally opposed she was to the practical working of not only public relations, but his entire way of trying to change the world.
Claudia’s emotions were so intense that she didn’t realize Austin had begun speaking. When she finally did hear him, he was apologizing for not realizing how much pain his career had been causing her.
Hearing these words Claudia began to sob out loud. She felt so unworthy of this apology, so undeserving of Austin’s love. At that moment, Claudia felt she was the cause of all their problems. Maybe if she would have spoken sooner this situation could have been averted, and maybe if she weren’t so idealistic she’d fully appreciate the beauty of the man now apologizing to her for her weaknesses and unrealistic expectations.
Austin resisted his desire to take Claudia in her arms to kiss and reassure her. Though he wanted her back, and felt great pain at causing her to cry, he did not want to win her back through consoling her. He figured that’s what he had always done before and obviously it hadn’t worked.
Instead of embracing her, Austin stayed seated and held her hand a little more snugly. He kept his reassurances on a verbal level and told her he was there when she was ready to talk.
She nodded to his offer to get some tissues and when he returned she moved over and sat with him on the couch. She leaned her head against his shoulder and began to talk. Her words often interrupted by her having to blow her nose and by attacks of short convulsive breaths, both remnants of her long cry.
Their conversation remained quiet and tender with nothing being resolved. Yet, neither was disappointed, for they both were content to sit comfortably together and bask in each other’s presence. Neither knew if this was truly a new beginning, but they both knew it wasn’t an end. Though they both realized the bedroom was a short distance away, neither was willing to disturb the quiet to break their well-earned peace.