Chapter 16: With Smoke and Mirrors
Seated at a large make-up table a lady looks at herself in the mirror. The seated lady looking at herself is probably in her thirties, and is quite unattractive. Her rather large nose stands out against her lined, and blotched washed-out face. Poised, ready for action her unadorned hands, holding an eyebrow pencil, suggest she is unmarried. Her stern eyes show a hint of sadness as they stare into the mirror.
In the back of the room stands a smiling figure, perhaps her father, proudly watching her efforts. His eyes are locked on the image in the mirror, which shows a beautiful young woman with milky white skin and glistening eyes looking back at his approving smile. On the cluttered make-up table is a mask which looks just like the beautiful reflection in the mirror.
Claudia takes a few steps back to get a different look at the canvas. She likes what she’s painted so far and studies it to see what touches she could possibly add. Feeling a bit tired from her latest four hour session, Claudia decides to make a cup of tea. When she returns with her tea she sits in a chair at the far end of the room across from the painting.
As her eyes pour over the canvas she reviews and evaluates what she’s done so far. In Claudia’s mind she sees the lady as an old spinster with no illusions. She knows her fate is not to be the belle of the ball, and wishes she could suspend all efforts at being alluring. She sees herself as she is, as opposed to her advocate who wants her to be beautiful and admired. He is the one who made the mask for her to model herself after, or maybe even to wear.
Claudia likes the fact that anyone looking at the painting would be unclear as to who is actually being deceived. Is the lady holding on to what she really looks like, and denying the transformation she has accomplished through make-up? Is the reflection not real and only a projection of what the man desires her to be? Does the mask really exist, or does it only represent what the lady wishes she could put on to satiate the man’s expectations, or provide him the pleasure her natural looks could never provide?
These are just some of the questions Claudia hopes her painting will inspire. Yet, so many questions and decisions still remain for Claudia. Should she leave the painting as it is? Should she strategically place other items in the room which show various smaller reflections? If she did use other reflections, should they all be of her? Should they be just miniatures of the two views already presented, or give alternative reflections, maybe even of her as a man?
Many of Claudia’s paintings deal with the idea of deception. She finds herself fascinated by the layers of possible deceit. Sometimes deceit is intentional, other times by chance. At times it is just a matter of perception, at others it is a product of mood, circumstance or will.
This interest in deception has grown over the years mainly due to her involvement with Austin and his career. Austin believed most people have a desire to be deceived. Fears of the future and a general lack of determination have led people into creating fantasy worlds. Some of these worlds formed from bigotry, prejudice and the need to control are destructive. Others, such as art, astrology, religion and patriotism often contain aspects of productivity and optimism.
According to Austin only a small percentage of people have any sizeable threshold for the truth. The majority of people have no desire to face life on its own terms. Instead, they prefer to create the illusion of happiness. Austin pointed out the more one reads history the more this desire to avoid the harsh realities of the world makes sense. The history of man has been dominated by calamity after calamity. Living a life free of pain has been rare, in most cases human life has been tormented by a hostile world ravaged by disease, war, famine and natural disasters.
Austin was not blind to the dangers and harms of deception. It was his contention though, that truth also had its limits and destructive aspects. A great society, therefore, needed to be conscious of the dangers and harms of both honesty and deception. The ability of man to fantasize, to feign happiness, despite the pain of the real world has, according to Austin, not only let mankind survive, but flourish. When one looked at the world this way, the meteoric success of the public relations field was not surprising, but extremely logical. Austin was quick to point out that even the most famous logical and scientific minds such as Einstein, Da Vinci, Plato and Freud found it necessary to find refuge in the realms of superstition, fantasy and religion.
Though Claudia agreed with much of this, she wondered how much fantasy was still needed today. Even though life wasn’t perfect she wondered how many people truly needed to shield themselves from the real world. She wondered if in the modern world, fantasy had stopped assisting making the world a better place, and instead now prevented us from overcoming our fears and hatreds. The very fears and hatreds which beget wars and motivate us to destroy the environment.
Claudia inherently disliked deception and respected honesty. She took pride in her ability to face life on its own terms, and felt much of Austin’s argument was used to rationalize and defend the manipulative and deceptive practices of our society. She seriously doubted a society making a science out of deceiving others could ever create a harmonious planet.
She had read many books and articles discussing the role and function of dishonesty. Some psychologists and anthropologists went so far as to say that the ability to deceive is at the heart of man’s superiority. While animals are locked in the real world, only man is able to live in the possible, in the fictitious.
While Claudia understood their arguments, she disagreed with their conclusions. Claudia felt one could benefit from the possible, by being creative and inventive. One could also use this ability to see things from someone else’s perspective, or to be compassionate and understanding of other’s viewpoints and beliefs. Rather than praising our ability to lie, she felt we should view it as only the cheapest and most convenient way of expressing our ability to escape the real. One can create without lying, and one can play with the possible without trying to pawn it off as being real.
Despite these strong opinions Claudia was far from considering the topic of deceit a closed one. Instead of simply railing against deceit, she found herself seeking it out in almost every avenue of life. In her art she tried to play out the pros and cons of truth as well as deception.
Austin’s high regard for the benefits and sometimes even need of deception had caused some conflict in their marriage. Sometimes she felt Austin and his profession treated the general public like babies needing to be protected from the truth, or as irresponsible idiots who needed to be lied to for their own good.
Claudia looked at her painting and wondered if the general public would like, or even appreciate it. Though she had sold and received high praise for a few of her drawings, she did not trust this acknowledgment of her work was genuine.
A few years ago, Austin told her she was talented and could easily turn her hobby into a career. Each time she completed a painting, Austin encouraged her to sell her works and to put her painting on exhibit at local galleries. Claudia, though proud of her work, told Austin she did not think her paintings special enough to sell or display.
Austin viewing her hesitation as a lack of confidence and an expression of Claudia’s humility asked if she would allow him to show some of her paintings to an art critic friend of his. After a few weeks Claudia gave in, and allowed Austin to invite his friend over for dinner.
After dinner Austin coaxed Claudia into showing his friend, Mr. Pritchard, some of her favorite paintings. Claudia, very nervously began explaining her drawing the moment she brought them into the room. Mr. Pritchard immediately quieted Claudia by holding up his hand. After studying the paintings for what appeared to Claudia to be hours, he complimented everything from her brush stroke style to her subject matter.
He summed up his analysis by saying her works showed a lot of promise and her evolution as an artist would greatly benefit from having her works exhibited. Mr. Pritchard offered to talk to a friend of his whose gallery would be perfect for a showing of Claudia’s work. Feeling giddy and a bit embarrassed Claudia accepted Mr. Pritchard’s offer.
During the exhibition only two of her least expensive paintings were sold. Claudia was surprised when the owner of the gallery said he heard enough positive comments to warrant his keeping a few of her paintings on display. Over the next few months a couple more of her paintings were sold.
Claudia’s excitement came to a crashing halt when at a party she overheard someone mention Austin had “influenced” the sale of a couple of her paintings. When confronted with this accusation, Austin, after a number of pointed questions, finally admitted he had “helped”.
Angry and hurt, Claudia continued to interrogate Austin to find out the range and depth of his assistance. As it turned out, Austin’s role in her apparent success was huge. He had, in fact, bought a couple of her paintings and given them as gifts to clients. Though swearing some of the compliments were Pritchard’s, Austin revealed he had also coached Mr. Pritchard on which aspects of her work to praise. Towards the end of the conversation Claudia was not even shocked to learn Austin had helped “convince” the gallery owner to continue to display her paintings after the initial exhibit.
Though sincerely apologetic for hurting Claudia and making her angry Austin did defend his actions. He claimed what he did was a fairly common PR technique and in comparison to others his actions had been somewhat subdued. Austin gave examples of authors and song writers whose benefactors completely bought out the first pressing of their work to create the air of success. This ploy getting the songs and books on the best selling charts convinced the public to purchase these “hot properties”.
Austin said the perception of success often preceded actual success, and he was only trying to insure her success. He pointed out that others had indeed purchased her paintings following his initial assistance. In his opinion, all he had really done, was keep her exhibit afloat until others recognized her talent. He also declared he wouldn’t have purchased the paintings and given them as gifts if he truly didn’t believe they were excellent artistic works.
Despite his most fervent pleas, Claudia yanked all of her paintings out of the gallery. Since then she has resisted all offers to display her paintings and has only given in to requests to purchase her paintings on a few isolated occasions. Even to this day Claudia finds it difficult to accept and trust the most innocent of compliments directed towards her paintings or artistic ability.
Her reaction, she realizes, is viewed by most as extreme, and by others as simply a tantrum by an oversensitive artist. If her reaction was solely due to this one event, she would probably agree with them, but Austin has had a long history of well intentioned meddling.
Since the first day she met him Claudia had always admired Austin’s ability to make her feel special and loved. Austin was truly gifted at reading her emotions and providing for all her physical and emotional needs. He was romantic, kind, and always up-beat. His undying appreciation made it difficult for her to ever feel worthless or incompetent.
Despite his love and support, Claudia did occasionally have her spells of self-doubt and sadness. Austin was sure to take action if her mood stayed low, or her confidence in herself or mankind were shaken. Just like the situation regarding zoos, Austin usually found a solution which boosted Claudia’s mood and restored her faith in the future.
When Claudia was particularly insecure or sad Austin would stop at nothing to improve her mood. Some of his efforts, like buying gifts, taking her on a special date, or asking close friends to stop by and see her were very sweet. Yet, some of his tactics, when they eventually came to light, only left Claudia feeling manipulated and used.
Claudia remembered a couple of times in the middle of the winter where she felt particularly lethargic and overweight. No matter what Austin said or did, she still felt out of shape and incompetent. The events which lifted her out of her depression were usually rather insignificant. Sometimes over a couple of days a few people on the street complimented her hair or her clothes, or some strange man asked for her phone number or propositioned her. Other times someone would ask for her help and thank her for her assistance or praise her for her intelligence and abilities.
When she did finally emerge from her doldrums she usually felt a little silly for being so vane and pathetic. Even when her lingering frustrations were regarding social rather than personal issues, some fortunate event would occur providing her an outlet for her feelings or an opportunity to resolve the issue.
Yet, over time she became suspicious of how these events only seemed to happen when she was feeling low for an extended period of time. One day her skepticism mounted so high that she confronted a man from the Sierra Club who had just praised her insights regarding the forestry industry. After a few minutes he admitted that, though his job involved making calls to citizens urging their support for the Sierra Club, he had been asked by Austin to give her a call.
Claudia got Austin to admit to occasionally arranging events to motivate her or raise her spirits. He said it pained him when she was feeling poorly, and he would only resort to such measures when his praise, love and attention were not enough to make her happy. In Austin’s view he was not being deceptive because these people were only telling her the truth, she truly was an intelligent, beautiful and talented woman who deserved to be happy.
Claudia was never sure how often Austin had solicited or even paid people to help cheer her up, or bolster her confidence. He would only admit to doing such things when Claudia pressed her interrogations to the extreme. Austin claimed to have greatly decreased his interventions, over the last few years, because he knew it upset her so much.
Walking up to the canvas, Claudia searched every inch of the painting for flaws. Walking from side to side she sought out each shading, every gradation of color, and scrutinized each perspective for any hint of inconsistency. This painting was a world of her making. A place where it was necessary for her to monitor every gesture, mood and expression. A place where every responsibility was her’s.
Claudia loved this stage of the creative process. When the overall picture was done and all that was left was the painting’s finishing touches. She had to admit to herself there was a definite thrill, an inexplicable ecstasy, connected with this responsibility. Claudia felt her body temperature rise as she picked up her brush and pondered her next brush stroke. A sense of power overtook her. She imagined it being quite the same as a the exhilaration a tiger must feel the moment before it springs into action and take its prey.
She knew this was the same feeling Austin had when he designed an ad campaign or orchestrated a public relations event. She also knew this is the thrill he felt when he made her happy or sexually satisfied.
Life was Austin’s painting, and he felt it was his responsibility to get everything just right. He had indeed crafted a wonderful life. Though she thought of herself as a good person who did plenty for the relationship, she recognized he was the true architect of their marriage. It was Austin whose caring heart had shaped all the habits of their wonderful life. He monitored their happiness and made sure they stayed active, productive, and vibrant. It was Austin who had a vision of their future and kept them stable and on course.
She knew his vigilance was also the source of her mistrust and paranoia. She knew his obsessive attending nature caused her to question the intentions of not only people like Todd Platt, but even philanthropists and martyrs. He had revealed to her a world created and shaped by planners and publicists where nothing was quite as it seems.
Yet, standing over her painting, she totally understood the thrill of creating one’s own world. She could easily empathize with Austin’s obsession to monitor her happiness, and make their life as wonderful as possible. Everything he did, he did out of love. A love which had so often engulfed her and made her life more special than she could have imagined.
Taking a deep breath, Claudia brought her brush towards the canvass. She felt her pounding heart reverberate in the love she and Austin had created together. She felt it was her responsibility to transfer all that love and devotion to her awaiting creation, to the mistress in front of the mirror.