Chapter 15: Survival of the Fittest
Sweat drips down the face of the young man, who stalling to catch his breath, bounces the blue ball a few times before calling out, “Ten serving seven”. Standing behind him the older opponent studies his every gesture trying to anticipate where he will next serve the ball.
As the young man prepares to serve, the older man senses its destination and leans to his left. His intuitions are right and the young man has gone with his pet serve to try to break the will of his opponent. The older man reaches the ball as it dies in the corner and launches a defensive lob which remains straight down the court’s left edge.
The young man pounces on the shot and goes for the kill. He slams the ball within inches of the bottom of the wall. Yet, the power of the stroke allows the older man who once again anticipates the shot to stretch out and reach the ball and with a deft wrist places the ball inches above the wall’s bottom, instantly dying at the feet of the charging young man.
Austin retrieves the ball and walks up to the service line. The young man he is playing, a good 10 years his junior, is a very athletic and respected racquetball player. Though he has won numerous tournaments and is ranked in the top ten for his age bracket, he has yet to defeat Austin the handful of times they’ve competed.
Since Claudia left, Austin finds he enjoys everything a little less. Playing racquetball is no exception. Usually he’d be thrilled at the prospect of coming back from three down in the final and rubber game, yet today it is strictly force of habit. The only inspiration Austin can find is in the competition of Jason, who obviously has a lot of pride resting on the outcome of this game.
Other than his career, the activity Austin most invests himself in is racquetball. In both arenas Austin is almost impossible to defeat because of his incredible will and optimism. Austin often plays opponents with higher skill level, but he seldom meets a player who even approaches his level of determination.
Austin scores the next two points on his serve narrowing the gap to 10-9. Attempting to pump himself up, out of habit, he thinks how he would relate his comeback to Claudia. Many times Austin has used the prospect of relating a story to Claudia as the means of securing victory both in business and sports.
Once again feeling the sting of a life without Claudia, Austin losses his serve as well as his focus. Before Austin can collect himself Jason launches a blistering serve which Austin barely touches with his racket. Austin places his hand up signaling to Jason that he needs a moment to regroup.
Austin, bent over at the waist, quickly regains his focus. The joy he would usually feel at this moment is missing. Instead of a jocular confidence his will is laced with anger. The void caused by Claudia’s absence in his life, puts an edge on his will.
On the next point Austin hits the ball so hard it almost brings tears to his eyes. Jason absorbs Austin’s hard blows and counter punches beautifully until he finally forces Austin into making an errant hit into the floor. Austin getting control over his anger wins the next point on one of the most energetic exchanges of the day.
As Austin prepares to serve, Jason wonders where Austin has found this sudden reserve of energy. Though he tries his best to match Austin’s intensity, he finds his confidence and his game on the defensive as Austin quickly ties up the score at 12-12.
Though Jason is able to win his serve back a couple of times, he never again wins a point. Austin has catapulted himself into another world, one of pure desire and determination. In this world, Jason dissolves, leaving Austin with just himself, his breathing, and his will.
When the game ends Austin feels as if he has just emerged from a coma as he shakes Jason’s hand. Jason leaves the court knowing he was the better, more skilled player and he had beaten Austin everywhere but on the scoreboard. Austin knows this too, and he can not imagine it feeling any better.
Taking a long hot shower Austin lets all the tensions of competition drain away from his body. As much as he craves the thrill of conquering and dominating another’s will, he also loves the peaceful calm he feels following a successful battle.
Austin believes his ability to feel content and calm gives him an advantage over all his competitors. While most competitive people waste energy through living life in an alert defensive posture, Austin sees his calm as a way to recharge his batteries affording him that extra reserve when it is needed. People who have felt the power of Austin’s will, are always amazed at how genuinely relaxed and friendly he is at all other times.
Getting dressed Austin soon finds himself thinking once again of Claudia. He wonders at what point in time he will finally stop being haunted by her. He knows it won’t be until he has given up all hope of their getting back together. The prospect of giving up, being so foreign to Austin, does not even seem to be a possibility.
Austin is an optimistic man, a man of the future, and the prospect of brooding over the past is not an acceptable option. Weeks ago he decided the only way to get over Claudia was to replace her, to find someone willing to love and accept him as he had always loved and accepted her.
Finding available women who were willing to date a powerful and wealthy man with a great sense of humor was not a problem. A few of the women he had recently dated were themselves intelligent, sensitive and physically attractive, but none had come close to filling the void left by Claudia. Being an optimist, he has not given up hope finding another soul mate, but his current conditions make it almost impossible for him not to mourn the loss of Claudia.
He was on the umpteenth draft of his second letter to Claudia, but did not feel it was anywhere near being ready to send. After his fifth or sixth attempt, he decided to try to compose the letter on computer, and only write the final version by hand. Yet, though this did prevent his hand from cramping, it had not succeeded at providing any relief for his mind.
Reflecting on his letter to Claudia only reminds Austin of how different his life seems to be from his colleagues. As each day passes, he finds it more and more difficult not to feel alienated from his business associates. Hardly a day has passed in which someone hasn’t remarked how envious they are of Austin’s freedom, of his opportunity to play the field.
While he wants nothing more than to be reunited with Claudia, they all pat him on the back and bend his ear with endless admissions of their sexual fantasies and boring marriages. Even those who are currently involved in torrid affairs express their jealousy of Austin’s predicament.
Austin has to admit to himself feeling a certain adolescent thrill at experiencing a new body or being introduced to the sensual world of other females. Yet, the adventure of the new, never fills the void of the old. Though he always considered himself fortunate and the relationship he had with Claudia to be special, he now has a deeper appreciation of their uniqueness.
Austin was stunned to learn the realities of the marriages of most of his friends and colleagues. While he and Claudia had sex almost every day of their marriage when he wasn’t on the road, his friends described their sex lives in very sparse terms. It appears to him that most of his friends’ marriages were both shallow and empty, predestined to disintegrate the moment the original luster of infatuation wore thin.
His attraction to Claudia, on the other hand, seems to have deepened through time. In some ways he feels like he never stopped being infatuated with her, in other ways the infatuation appears to have given way to something more intimate and meaningful. Claudia’s mind and body had become an extension of his, something the pretty ladies currently vying for his attention could not offer. No matter how beautiful or attending they may be, they could not be his home. Everything about Claudia seemed home to him, she was and he figured, would always be, his little island.
In his estimation, his colleagues thirst for empty conquest, pervaded not only their sex lives, but their business lives. Austin feels this explains another advantage he has over his colleagues. While his competitors ad campaigns, like their affairs, were often glorious and seductive, they lacked direction and substance. Austin feels each of his ad campaigns somehow interconnected, and part of his overall plan. He did not experience his career as a series of individual conquests, but as an organic whole, a history guided by a future, by a goal. His goal wasn’t necessarily fixed or rigid, but adapted to the changing world. Just as his love for Claudia was a part of his life history, and had changed and deepened with the passing of time.
His current fear is that Claudia is also unwilling to accept the future, to accept who he was becoming. He knows no matter how painful it would be, he would have to be prepared to move on, if she were to become rigidly tied to the past, or unable to love him in the present. Yet, he still was far from concluding Claudia would not return. In fact, the more he learned about the relationships of others, only reaffirmed his belief they needed to be together.
Since the term destiny has always had a romantic, mysterious air to it, Austin stops short of saying they are destined to be together. In his mind her return is not romantic, but natural and logical. Hoping for her return seems as silly as hoping for the sun to rise tomorrow. Yet, in so many ways that is what he feels himself forced to do, to wait and hope for her return.
Austin, unlike his friends, has always kept quiet about the details of their relationship. Even during their break-up he treasures the privateness of their relationship and has resisted all temptation to unload his heart to even his closest friends.
Austin believes his desire and respect for privacy is another area which sets him apart from his contemporaries, and is yet another advantage he has over his colleagues. Early in his career he knew a number of people who valued their privacy, but now he often feels alone in this arena.
When he first started out in the business he noted how the people with “old money” protected their privacy. He often met with such people at their estates or on their yachts, and seldom saw them in the city or at an office. They had legions of toadies and power brokers who they delegated the responsibility of taking the day-to-day pulse of the business world.
Yet, over the years, the number of people who cushioned themselves from the day-to-day rush of the business world has severely declined. Some of the wealthiest people in the world are now trapped in a life of instant communication. Their privacy compromised by numerous telephone conversations, video conferences, e-mails, electronic pages, etc., all in an effort to optimize profit by insuring they capitalize on the moment.
Austin has always known that much of the instantaneous communications technology including the global information highway was the pet project of the pentagon. He was aware of the political as well as economic goals of these advances. While the business world salivated at the opportunity to customize advertising to each individual consumer on the internet, the political world was more interested in being able to monitor the interests, views and personal habits of anyone they chose by following and documenting their activities on the internet.
Even during the initial phase of the portable communications industry many intelligent consumers were aware how conversations on devices using radio waves such as car and cell phones could be monitored. The average consumer also realized their electronic activities such as e-mails, web site visits and purchases via the computer were also easily monitored. Yet, despite this knowledge the majority of people decided to forsake privacy in favor of convenience.
Austin, who helped with many of the industry’s ad campaigns, was acutely aware of the benefits and dangers of the technology. He decided, and has kept to this decision, to try to protect his privacy by staying clear of a life filled with cell phones, e-mails, and other forms of easily monitored communication.
At his office and during working hours Austin was completely networked and on-line. Yet, when not working or at home he kept himself off-line and even voice messages were routed and stored at his office. Though this sometimes irked and irritated the people who did business with him, in the long run, it only added to the mystery and legend of his success.
Austin was aware that despite all his efforts his privacy was tenuous. He knew the government or even a business rival would be able to conduct an electronic surveillance on him any time they so desired. Yet, Austin felt the distance he kept from this technology gave him an objectivity, a unique perspective. He felt his ability to live independent of these technologies was another advantage he had over his competitors. While they were slaves to the new technology, he could retain a clear vision of its goals and weaknesses. While they were worn down by the endless requests and demands of instant communication, he was able to recharge his batteries and leisurely form strategies in the shelter of his quiet time.
Claudia kept him grounded, kept his life from becoming one endless work day. Without her, he finds it more difficult to keep from being pulled back into business mode. After all, there are only so many racquetball games he can play, only so many books he can read. Almost any other form of recreation, including many of the books he reads are too business related. Unlike most people, Austin can not watch TV, a movie, or even read a magazine in order to escape from the pressures of his job. Whenever he does these activities, or even listens to music, he soon finds himself thinking of ad campaigns and influencing public opinion.
After dressing Austin ambles down to one of his favorite informal eateries for lunch. Though his afternoon was to consist of a string of important meetings Austin wants to forestall any thoughts regarding business as long as he can. Instead, after glancing over the menu, he lets himself drift back to the letter he was composing for Claudia’s eyes.
Choosing to eat a lunch comprised of side orders, Austin sips his raspberry lemonade and eats at a snails pace. Though deep in thought he still found time to appreciate the taste of his blueberry crepes, hashbrowns, english muffins, and cheese and mushroom omelet. Between thoughts of Claudia and his meal, he finds time to congratulate himself by replaying in his mind some of the finer moments of the morning’s racquetball match.
Austin finds it hard to stay focused on composing his letter to Claudia. Instead, he finds himself gratefully reminiscing on the style and feel of their life together. The longer he sits thinking of Claudia the better he feels. Rather than missing her and feeling sad and lonely, he feels fortunate to have such pleasant memories to mull over. He smiles when he thinks of her smile, or her glowing look of contentment when they used to spend quiet time together.
Towards the end of lunch, Austin realizes he has to shift gears and get back to business. Yet, he plans to carry around these recollections like wallet photos and pull them out whenever he needs them throughout the day.
He is well on his way to fulfilling his plans when he walks into his first appointment singing one of Claudia’s favorite tunes to himself. All the people in the room meet Austin’s smile with one of their own, and Austin thinks how wonderful the world would be if their smiles were as genuine as his.