Chapter 11:The Gravity of Gravity
Dearest Claudia,
I know I promised to wait for you to contact me, but I couldn’t wait any longer. Please excuse the poor handwriting, but other than my signature I can’t remember the last time I’ve written by hand. Yet, writing you by hand somehow seems to decrease the distance between us.
I’m not sure why I’m writing you, but I only know that I must. There is no goal to this letter, only need. I do miss you and love you so very much, but that you already know. I now know what it’s like for someone who has lost their vision or the use of their legs. Without you there is nothing to see, there is no place to go. Yet, I’m doing my best at learning to live with my disability, a world without you.
It would be a lie if I said I understand why we are apart. I thought after a while it would make sense, but it doesn’t. I apologize for what I did to ruin the beauty we created together, but we both know apologies solve nothing.
My hands are shaking as I write this letter, for I’m afraid of scaring you. I’m afraid if I chase you, you’ll only run further away.
If it isn’t too painful for you, I would like permission to write you in the future. Just to know you’re reading this letter provides me more comfort than I would have expected. In future letters I’ll try to catch you up on my life and thoughts, but right now I find I have little to say.
I just needed to re-establish contact with you. I just needed to tell you, that I love you, miss you and want nothing more than to keep you in my life. I do find myself working more, and staying out more, for our apartment seems so eerie and cold without you.
One night in fact I must have turned up the heat till about 90, but I never quite felt like I got the chill out of the air. I don’t remember falling asleep, but when I woke in the morning I had a severe headache and nasty cold. Yet, even when I was sick, I had to stay out of our house.
Well, I better stop before I sound like some drunk crying in his beer. I hope you have read this letter, and reading it didn’t make you angry with me. Please, feel free to contact me anyway, anyhow, anytime. Don’t worry about hurting me or leading me on, for there are some pains which make life worthwhile.
All my love,
Austin
P.S. Remember, there is no gravity……
Looking over the letter for the third straight time Claudia still couldn’t make herself put it down. She held it to her nose to see if it carried a familiar aroma. The letter bared no scent of Austin, but it did faintly smell like their bedroom.
Claudia tried to imagine Austin seated on the bed writing the letter. She wondered if this were his first attempt, or had the bedroom been littered with numerous wads of paper. She knew she never could have written the letter on one try. Well, she couldn’t imagine herself having the guts to write the letter in the first place.
If Austin had left her, she would never have the courage to risk his rejecting her a second time. The letter struck her for not only its bravery, but for its restraint and sincerity.
How could he write a letter with almost no hint of anger? How could he not demand an explanation? How could he admit feeling pain, and not try to punish her for causing it? How could he not accuse her of not appreciating their life together? These would be the things she would need to say to him if he had left.
Claudia shook her head as she read the letter again. Even in such a time of weakness he remained a remarkable man. She was glad he hadn’t asked her to explain why she left, for she couldn’t even fully explain it to herself.
Claudia looked over at the phone and once more wished it would somehow dial his number and force her to talk to him. She knew the longer she waited, the harder it would be for her to call him. Yet, she wanted him to know she loved him just as much as he loved her. She wanted him to know she felt disabled, too. She wanted him to know that she was just as confused.
Each time she read the post script it brought a smile to her face. The post script was half of a quote, the whole phrase goes, “There is no gravity, the earth sucks”. This was a pet phrase of Austin’s he picked up while in high school. He claims, while in shop class, he printed that phrase on the first set of business cards he ever made.
During their time together Austin had used this phrase often when he felt either of them were being melodramatic. It was his way of making fun of people who complain about the world, or their life. Even in this letter when he expressed his longing for her, he couldn’t resist making fun of himself, of sarcastically ridiculing his need for her. She felt it was his way of saying, I’m sorry, its not your fault I miss you so much. It was also his way of saying, don’t worry I’ll be okay.
As her gaze returned back towards the phone she almost jumped out of her skin as it began ringing. Her heart raced with fear and anxiety as she, for a moment, considered it might be Austin calling. By the third ring she decided it couldn’t be him. She quickly reasoned Austin wouldn’t call so soon after writing a letter for he would want to give her time to respond.
At the exact moment she answered the phone she found herself hoping, “Oh God, I hope it’s not..”
“Ms. Jenkins?” the voice politely inquired.
“Damn, it is him”, Claudia shouted internally while managing to reply “Yes”.
“Good afternoon this is Todd Platt,” he began in a saccharine voice, “I hope this is a good time.”
“It was a good time,” Claudia said mockingly to herself. “No, Mr. Platt this is just fine.”
“Oh please,” the voice said reassuringly, “call me Todd.”
Claudia wondered if “Todd” really thought the sweet voice and forced familiarity would work on her. After all, he knew darn well she had been married to a master of presentation and such rudimentary social devices had to have been unmasked long ago. Claudia concluded “Todd” was just being a lounge lizard through force of habit, and probably had no ability to be authentic with anyone, including himself.
As the conversation started to wind-up Claudia realized she still had made no decision as to what to say to Mr. Platt. So, for the moment she stalled for time by playing the little dance the Todd’s of the world like to believe is succeeding at softening and bonding with a client.
While Todd continued to try and charm her, Claudia’s thoughts centered on how she should respond to his proposition. Though she found him shallow, pushy and ingratiating she wasn’t ready to rule out the possibility of being part of his project. Yet, she would only consider helping him if he signed a contract giving her full editorial control over what he wrote. “He will get my story, only if I have complete control over every word published or uttered,” Claudia vowed to herself.
After a few minutes of trying to engage Claudia through pleasant small talk Todd finally asked in a cheery voice, “So, do you have any questions about our project?”
Claudia smiled at hearing the use of the term ‘our’. “That’s textbook PR,” she thought to herself, “encourage clients to take ownership of a proposed venture”.
“Yes,” Claudia cautiously inquired, “does Austin know about this project of yours?”
“Yes,” Todd replied quickly seeing Claudia’s question as a sign of possible interest, “Austin is fully aware of the project.”
Versed in PR speak, Claudia noticed that though he said fully, he only said aware. She was impressed with his showing respect to her by addressing her as Ms. Jenkins, yet alluding to familiarity with Austin by using his first name. Pressing on she asked, “How involved is Austin going to be in this project?”
“As far as I’m concerned,” Todd replied trying to sound like an admirer of Austin, “he can be as involved as he wants.”
“Which could mean,” Claudia told herself, “Austin wants nothing to do with this.” Attempting to corner Todd a little she asked, “How does Austin feel about me being able to tell my side of the story?”
“He didn’t express any concerns I recall”, replied Todd trying to sound as if he were mentally reviewing Austin’s words.
Claudia immediately noticed how this was another non-statement. First of all Todd neither admitted nor denied ever informing Austin of Claudia’s involvement. He also didn’t deny Austin had expressed any objections, only that he didn’t specifically recall any of Austin’s objections.
Realizing questioning Todd was tantamount to cross examining a hostile witness, Claudia decided she was inadequately prepared for this conversation. She knew her questions would have to be razor sharp to avoid Todd from giving vague and misleading responses.
“I’m so appreciative of your giving me time to think things over…”
“No reason to apologize,” Todd said reassuringly, “I’m more than glad to give you as much time as you need.”
“I’m glad to hear that Todd,” Claudia said with an air of playfulness, “for I’m going to need more time. In fact, I think I might give Austin a call and talk to him about your project.”
Claudia felt a sense of victory the longer the silence lasted. Todd, apparently scrambling for a response, finally stated in a supportive voice, “You do whatever you need to do Ms. Jenkins, for I really want you to feel comfortable telling me your story.”
Finding the right spin Todd continued, “I believe your knowledge and perspective regarding the inner workings of public relations is indispensable to the story. I want this project to be informative, and your objectivity regarding the business world is paramount to the success of this project.”
“Thanks again for your patience Mr. Platt. Why don’t you give me a call in another week or so?”
“That would be great,” Todd said trying to sound as pleased as he could, “I’ll give you a call in a week or two.”
Getting off the phone Claudia reflected on the last portion of their conversation. Since Todd didn’t panic maybe he had talked to Austin. Yet, his insistence that the success of his project depended on her “objectivity” did hint at his hope she not consult with Austin.
On the other hand, Claudia admitted to herself, he did not forbid or even recommend she not talk to Austin. If he was hoping Claudia didn’t talk about the project with Austin, it was awfully gutsy on Todd’s part to rely on such slim emotional appeal. Claudia wondered if Todd was a gambler, or if he was just certain she wouldn’t call Austin, or if he had in fact talked to Austin and got his permission to contact her.
Looking over Austin’s letter one more time, she debated whether she should use Todd’s project as an excuse to give him a call. Though she knew she needed no ulterior reason to phone Austin it did seem to take the nervous edge off the conversation if she had a diversionary topic. Also, she was indeed curious to find out if Austin knew of Todd and his project, and if he did know, what his opinion of it was. She surely would feel more comfortable speaking with Todd if she knew Austin supported or at least viewed his idea as harmless.
Yet, she worried Austin would be hurt if the very first conversation they had since she left him was spent talking about a project focusing on their life together. It does seem cruel, she admitted to herself, to talk about their life together to avoid talking about why they are apart.
In any case, his letter and Todd’s conversation did seem to be the impetus she needed to give Austin a call. Claudia stared at the letter, and reading once again wished she would have called Austin before Todd had called. Now, she concluded, she was too distracted by her conversation with Todd not to bring it up if she were to give Austin a call.
“There is no gravity,” Claudia said to herself with a mocking sigh. She planned on leaving Austin months before she had the courage to go, now she wondered how long she would have the courage to contact him.
“Why would I even call?” she asked herself. “Do I want to go back to Austin, or do I just want to be reassured he’d take me back if wanted to return?”
“I love him, and I miss him, but I don’t love him any more than the day I left,” lamented Claudia.
Claudia looked over at the phone. She stared and stared and tried to will herself to call.