Later in the day, following his discussion with Mark, Desmond talked to Rachel about the accident. Rachel admitted that she suspected Andrew’s seat belt was not fastened, but failed to see its importance. In her mind it changed nothing. Alan was still driving reckless and drunk and plowed into Rebecca’s car killing Andrew.
If Andrew remained in the safety seat, Rachel argued, the force of the collision could still have killed, or injured him for life. An infant in a car seat is still able to be crushed, or have his neck broken from the force of impact. Even if Andrew were not to have been killed, his pain would have been much worse and no compassionate person would wish that on a child.
Rachel disputed Desmond’s assumption that a jury would view Rebecca as negligent, or as an unfit mother. Any mother on a jury, she claimed, would understand Rebecca’s predicament and not be overly harsh in their judgements. Any caring mother would sympathize with her desire to help her baby get to sleep, and would think it ludicrous to be concerned about the remote possibility that some mad drunk would be lurking around the next turn.
“Anyone on the jury,” she argued vehemently, “would be from this county. And anyone from this county knows how deserted that road usually is. Sure,” she reasoned, concluding her viewpoint, “people might take full precautions if they were driving on a main road, but to imprison a suffering child while on a deserted road is purely ridiculous.” Rachel spat out the last two words as if to say, “case closed”, or “discussion over”.
Desmond knew better than to contest Rachel’s logic when she was incensed. Instead of disputing, Desmond agreed with her assessment of the jury’s reaction. Slowly, Desmond brought forward his concerns in a way which Rachel would find hard to combat.
After supporting Rachel’s views for a few minutes he pointed out that even if the jury felt sorry for Rebecca they would be instructed by the judge to impart the law. The law, Desmond pointed out with an air of defeat, clearly states that all children must wear a safety belt.
Taking his time and not responding to Rachel’s emotional challenges Desmond finally got her to accept the possibility that a trial may hurt Rebecca. Rachel reluctantly accepted the possibility that the seat belt issue could impact the jury’s decision. Though Rachel did not feel the jury would blame Rebecca for Andrew’s death she had to admit that the unfastened seat belt might prevent Alan from being convicted of homicide.
In the end Rachel concluded that more harm than good would result from a trial. She had to admit that it was inevitable that Alan’s attorney’s would bring up the seat belt issue on his behalf. Though she did not feel that such an outlandish accusation would be successful she did believe it would be emotionally devastating to Rebecca. Rachel concluded that the trial would be hard on Rebecca, and that a non-conviction of Alan would be impossible for her to accept, leaving her bitter and disillusioned.
Rachel found Mark’s suggestion that both families sit down and talk to Rebecca totally unacceptable. She felt that Rebecca would find the group approach very threatening and end up feeling ganged up on and attacked. Desmond, who felt the same way, asked Rachel what she would suggest. Rachel felt it would be best if only Paula (Mark’s mom) and her were to talk to Rebecca.
Over the next week Rachel and Paula talked to Rebecca about the possibility of a trial on three different occasions. Rebecca remained angry and defensive throughout each discussion refuting every concern they expressed. Rebecca claimed the trial was necessary as a matter of principle, and that Alan deserved to be convicted regardless of how the trial made her look. Rebecca argued that even without a trial the rumor regarding the seat belt would be sure to spread.
Without a trial, she claimed, she would look both guilty and weak. First, she would look weak in letting the murderer of her child go free. Second, people would assume that the reason there wasn’t a trial was because she felt responsible for her own son’s death.
Neither Rachel or Paula had strong rebuttals for Rebecca’s views. Paula tended to Rebecca’s fears that the story regarding the seat belt would spread regardless of a trial by pointing out that she had not heard a single word about the seat belt. She doubted if anybody would even consider the possibility unless it was brought up in court.
Rachel and Paula both felt the avoidance of a trial would not be an admission of guilt, but rather the forgiving Christian thing to do. Rebecca bristled at the very notion that her anger was not justified or un-Christian. She was merely defending the memory of Andrew and doing her best to prevent other mothers from having to deal with a similar tragedy. Mr. Bell, she maintained, must be punished so that in the future others would not be so irresponsible.
Rachel was quite surprised when Rebecca told her over the phone that she decided against pressing charges. Rebecca, obviously quite shaken, told Rachel that she and Mark had just returned home from talking with the police.
“Oh mom,” she said while choking back the tears, “they were so rude. They asked questions as if Andrew were a thing and not a real living boy…I couldn’t bear sitting through a trial in which they treated him so poorly. His memory is too pure, too beautiful, to be talked about in such a barbarous fashion.”
Over the next few days Rebecca often regretted her decision to not seek a court case. Numerous times on the phone and in person she solicited the support of Rachel to help convince her she was doing the right thing. Desmond, who desperately wanted to talk to Rebecca about his feeling regarding her decision, obeyed Rachel’s request that he stay mute.
Desmond continued to make frequent visits over to Rebecca’s to help her sort through Andrew’s things and reorganize the house. His conversations with Rebecca were quite tame and seldom ventured beyond finding out how she was feeling. She said nothing about the seat belt or her conversation with the police. She occasionally talked about how much she hurt and missed Andrew, but most of her emotional discussions centered on her anger towards Mr. Bell.
A few days after their conversation with the police Mark contacted Desmond at the church to inform him that the police had decided not to charge Alan with vehicular homicide. His joy at hearing that Alan would not be brought to trial was tempered by the sadness he felt at the growing distance between Rebecca and himself.
Her whole life Rebecca had used her father as a sounding board. When she was growing up he was the person who answered all her questions and curiosities. He told her why the sky was blue, and why dogs bark. He was the one who fielded her questions regarding everything from death to where babies come from. He had supported her decision to openly stand up against racism and bigotry and encouraged her to question everything she was told to believe.
Since she was a little girl she had always come to him for comfort and solicited his opinion regarding every difficult decision she made. Even during her rebellious years he was the one she turned to when considering any turn from tradition. Desmond was always so proud of Rebecca’s individualism and honored to be the person with whom she tried out all her ideas.
Rebecca was the only person other than Carl and Pat that Desmond had engaged in religious debate. Around the age of ten Rebecca began to question everything from heaven and hell, to the biblical view of creation. Desmond enjoyed her thirst for truth and relished every theological discussion she initiated.
Rachel, on the other hand, found such discussion to be dangerous and even blasphemous. These were questions which should not even be entertained in private let alone discussed with one’s minister father. After much pressure from Rachel, Desmond was prompted to discouraged and even avoided these topics with Rebecca. Even in her adult life Desmond continued to be the person with whom Rebecca talked over personal and world issues. On many a Sunday afternoon Rebecca would playfully or seriously spar with her father over everything from the latest election to ethical issues. Religious discussion was, of course, taboo but it was open season on almost every other topic.
Suddenly during the most difficult time in her life, Rebecca was shutting Desmond out. He felt hurt, abandoned and frightened by the thought of losing his privileged position in Rebecca’s life. He missed the closeness these discussions fostered, and anguished over not being able to tell her his thoughts.
Worst of all, she just wasn’t talking, but Desmond could actually feel her drawing away from him. His conversations with her were not only shallow, but rather cold and increasingly empty. He could feel her retreating and slipping away, but saw no solution. He had promised Rachel that he would not initiate any conversations regarding the accident or the police, and Rebecca gave no sign that she would ever broach such subjects with her father.
The only comments she made regarding the accident were in her snide and vindictive references at Alan’s expense. Not sharing Rebecca’s blood lust, Desmond found it impossible to respond to these comments. The icy silences which followed her frequent assaults and accusations only solidified her resolve to not talk about the accident with Desmond.
The longer Desmond remained neutral regarding the guilt of Alan Bell, the more angry and disappointed Rebecca became with her father. If he wasn’t siding with her, she reasoned, he must be siding against her. His lack of empathy for Rebecca’s hatred of Alan Bell was turning Desmond into a traitor. In Rebecca’s heightened state of grief Desmond could not be sympathetic to both Rebecca and Alan. He had to choose his allegiance. He must decide whose side he was on, and his refusal to denounce Alan was telling Rebecca that he was firmly in the enemy camp.
A little over three weeks following the funeral the tensions between Rebecca and Desmond began to overflow. She began to become highly critical of Desmond’s work at the house and got curt with him on many occasions. Though she still had many things around the house she needed help with, she began to resent her father’s visits.
Desmond, unsure of what to do, became timid and apologetic around Rebecca. His obvious discomfort angered Rebecca all the more and made her only that much more agitated. The final blow came when Rebecca called Desmond, as he was preparing to go to her house, to announce that she didn’t want him to stop by for awhile. The conversation was short and emotionless. It lasted only long enough for Rebecca to explain that she needed some time to herself, and that these “rummagings” though Andrew’s things were becoming too hard for her.
Once off the phone Desmond took a long ride off into the country. He drove for well over an hour before stopping at the edge of a huge wheat field. Sitting down on the ground and resting himself against the driver’s side of the car, he stared into the tall forest of wheat.
Tilting his head back so that his face was lapped by the sun he closed his eyes. Within moments he was seized by the hurt of Rebecca’s last words and he began to cry. Desmond’s long and deep cry was only interrupted by an occasional cough as he choked on the intensity of his sorrow.
His tears came in streams for well over five minutes. During this time his body quaked and his stomach turned, but he could barely muster a single thought. His tears sprang from a pool of murky emotions and were fed by a host of disturbing images. Nothing made sense, not his tears, not the long ride to nowhere, nor the nebulous feeling that his life had been totally torn apart.
The power and intensity of Desmond’s tears were not part of his nature. In the short month that had passed since Andrew’s death he had only cried a few times. It wasn’t so much that he hadn’t mourned, for he had. He fully felt the loss of Andrew each and every time he went to Rebecca’s. Looking through his belongings and replacing his things with new one’s was very therapeutic for Desmond, yet he seldom felt a need for tears.
At Rebecca’s his senses were immersed in the memory of Andrew. The deep quiet at Rebecca’s was in sharp contrast to the past sounds of Andrew gurgling and crawling about. He spent hours seeing Andrew in each and every room and fondly played with each of his favorite toys as he packed them away. Even though he repainted the nursery over two weeks ago the house had only recently begun to lose that tell tale little infant smell. In so many ways Desmond used his time at Rebecca’s to say goodbye to the memory of his grandson.
His tears today seemed to him to have little to do with the loss of Andrew. Desmond had already begun to accept Andrew’s death and found very little reason to shed more tears in him honor. He had always accepted death well and mourned much quicker than most.
Desmond knew that Andrew was gone and could not imagine him or his spirit being in any pain. Any tears he now shed on Andrew’s behalf he could only view as selfish. He wouldn’t be crying for Andrew for there was no Andrew to cry for. He knew that he could only be crying for himself, in missing Andrew or fearing his own mortality. Yet, Desmond did not fear death, or look at it as a terrible thing.
The torrent of tears he shed in front of this wheat field were because of his sense of loss. His loss of Rebecca. Though he loved Andrew dearly, he was gone and with him there was nothing further to lose. Yet, his dear Rebecca was alive but drifting away. The loss of her smile and laugh were more haunting to Desmond than the loss of Andrew. She lived just a few miles away, but was now becoming a total stranger.
Rebecca had not only shut him out of her personal life, but did not even want to see him. Desmond played back their short conversation over and over in his mind. Sure, she said she just needed a little time, but the coldness in her voice said much more than that. Her voice said that she no longer felt connected to her father and wished not to see him anymore.
Desmond cried at being abandoned by his daughter, and even if she were to change he mind tomorrow, she still disliked him today. This was not the first time Rebecca had been angry at him, but it was the first time he genuinely felt unloved by her.
Before today he had always known how to handle her, how to unruffle her feathers and soothe her anger. Yet, right now, pitched against his car out on an old country road, Desmond had no clue at how to approach his daughter. Her hatred of Alan Bell had closed her ears and destroyed the goodness in her he had always been able to draw upon.
Rebecca was possessed with vengeful hatred. Her spirit was dark and heavy. Somehow she had to be extricated from the grip of her demons, but Desmond knew he was no exorcist. He could not even imagine a way to deal with the evil that gripped her heart and polluted her mind.
Amidst the tears he concluded that his only option would be to wait patiently for her grief to subside. He had no idea how long it would take before the Rebecca he knew would return. Even when she did return he wondered how scarred she would be. Would her optimism and lust for life ever return? Would she ever be able to respect and confide in him again? Was that look of pride which he loved to bask in be gone from her eyes forever?
Even though the summer heat had yet to give way to the crispness of autumn, Desmond’s tears had sent a deep chill through his body. Shivering and feeling the most alone he had felt since he was an adolescent, Desmond curled himself into a ball and took a series of deep breaths.
Long after the tears subsided Desmond sat motionless with his arms cradling his knee caps. He still felt cold and alone and did not feel a need to go anywhere. Where does one go when they are all alone? Here, at least, the warm sun was beginning to win out against the shivering cold that seemed to have been locked deep in his bones.
Desmond soon rose and spent an hour walking along the highway before returning to his car to drive home. His thoughts remained chaotic and dispersed, but the warmth returned to his body. When he entered the car he felt exhausted. His body was completely sapped of all its energy as if he had just run a marathon, or had just suffered through a grand mall seizure.
On the way home he could not fight the feeling that the worst was yet to come. Though tired, weak and completely exhausted Desmond felt much more prepared to face the future than he did an hour ago. His catharsis on this lonely country road had removed his doubts and restored his faith. Though he had no idea how, he drove home fully believing that he would be able to completely restore his relationship with Rebecca. Times ahead were sure to be difficult, but such trials offer one the possibility of an extraordinary sense of accomplishment.