Desmond’s movements during the service were graceful and reverent. Gliding from one movement to the next Desmond took great care not to disturb the sanctity of the moment. The precision and love he poured into every move was soothing to the eyes, and compelling to the heart. This was a dance he had performed many times and his movement, though purposeful, did not show the burden of his grieving heart.
This service was his gift to Andrew. He wanted every moment to reflect the purity and innocence of his grandson. Andrew was all grace and joy, and though he felt a great weight in his heart, he did not want this to be a sad and gloomy occasion. He truly wanted this to be a celebration of Andrew’s spirit and to say good-bye to Andrew in a way befitting his life.
Desmond’s reverent attitude was infectious. The entire church was still and quiet. No one stirred or coughed, and even tears were shed silently. The words spoken during the service did not disturb, but only added to the magic Desmond was weaving. Those inside and outside the church were touched by the quiet power emanating from Desmond.
Absorbed in each and every moment Desmond proceeded through the service in a timeless trance. His concentration beckoned everyone to look deep into their hearts, and be open to all of life’s joys and sorrows.
Desmond was not the only one who felt surprised when the time arrived for the eulogy. Suddenly, the timelessness ended, and now all ears were anxiously awaiting Desmond’s verbal farewell to his only grandson. Desmond felt a twinge of panic for he could not remember a single aspect of the eulogy he had prepared.
Struggling to remember even a single point he wanted to make, Desmond began the eulogy without even missing a beat. The words that came to him were born from the feelings of the moment, and had nothing to do with his thoughts over the last two nights when he was preparing for this moment.
“Standing here right now,” Desmond began in a calm, firm tone, “I can think of nothing but the beauty that was Andrew. I know I should be thinking of the loss of a grandson. Yet, at this moment I am absorbed in the life of Andrew.”
“When remembering Andrew I can’t think of sorrow or pain. His life had little to do with such feelings. His life was one of joy. When I think of Andrew all I can remember is his smile and how enthralled he was with life. When I try to imagine what Andrew felt, all I feel is a pure awe for life.”
As soon as he finished saying these words his memory regarding what he planned on saying during this time returned. Since what he had said so far fit in with the major themes he wanted to touch on, Desmond decided to continue along the path he had started. All Desmond felt he had to do was to talk straight from the heart. If he let his mouth follow his heart Desmond was quite confident that everything he wanted to say would come back to him at the appropriate moment.
Continuing on with his thoughts Desmond took a few moments to talk about the beauty and awe of human life. He used many examples from Andrew’s life to convey the amazing nature of human experience. The memories of Andrew he recalled, though quite personal, were able to be identified with by every parent and grandparent attending the service. The images presented weren’t just verbal slides of Andrew’s life, but insights into the life behind the snapshots every parent cherishes.
“Many of the qualities we most covet, that form our highest ideals, are born in the eyes of a child.” Desmond’s misty eyes twinkled now as he talked. Even from a number of rows back people could see his watery eyes dance in a combination of pride, joy and sorrow.
“When we look into the eyes of a child, what do we see? Do we see an image of ourselves that we have outgrown? Sure we do. But that’s not all. We also see qualities which we wish to retain, and aspire to unfold. What are these qualities which epitomize the zest for life a child is born with, and that too many of us have sadly lost?”
Desmond’s face broadened into a deep smile as he pictured Andrew’s glowing face in front of his. Looking deep into those friendly eyes he talked on with growing enthusiasm.
“There are probably many qualities I could name. But there are four which come immediately to my mind. They are innocence, purity, joy and wonder. These four treasured emotions, these four goals of every caring human being are best demonstrated in the life of a child.”
“What parent has not been touched by the innocence of their child? Who among us has not found inspiration in the purity of an infant, or taken solace in the joy they get from the simplest event? Who is so callous and cynical as to not be refreshed and warmed by the wonder in a child’s eyes the first time they watch a butterfly?”
“Even before a child is born they begin to enrich our lives.” Desmond’s eyes locked onto Rachel as he continued. “I remember the wondrous sight of seeing Rachel’s body change in preparation for having a child. I remember the tender, quiet times we shared waiting to feel a hand or foot as a new life began to grow inside of her. All during the pregnancy I remember thinking that our life could never be more fulfilling.
“Do you remember feeling that way?” Desmond asked still looking into Rachel’s eyes. Rachel for the first time in the last few days allowed herself a smile as she nodded feeling slightly embarrassed.
Desmond shifted his eyes towards Rebecca and continued. “Then you came along. Ah, Rebecca you were so beautiful,” Desmond admitted wistfully, “and you proved me so wrong. Though our lives were full of love before your birth, we were not prepared for the love you added to our lives. Every movement, every sound you made was so precious. Even your cry was so pure, so honest, that it touched my heart to hear it.”
Rebecca’s pain was washed away for a brief moment as she basked in the pride in her father’s eyes. Feeling an uncontrollable urge to make contact with her father, she turned to her mother and hugged her. Close families throughout the church turned to look and even touch each other in response to the tenderness of Desmond’s words.
“As a father I was well prepared to teach you things, but I was more than a little surprised at how much you taught me. Before you were born purity, wonder, joy and innocence were just words. They were empty ideals that I play acted at duplicating. Yet, through watching you and sharing in your first days these words gained a depth I could have never imagined.”
Desmond gave Rebecca one last lingering look of gratitude before casting his eyes over the congregation. “In Rebecca’s every move I was shown the real meaning of joy, innocence, wonder and purity and began to understand their full range and power.”
“Oddly enough my eyes were opened by a little infant who slept almost 20 hours a day.” This last statement was met by soft laughter.
Desmond talked on about the many things he had learned from being a father. He talked of how rewarding he found fatherhood, and how exciting it was to see his little girl grow into adulthood. He talked about the things gained as one matures, and the things often lost of forgotten as one goes from childhood to adulthood.
“When Andrew was born I was once again reminded of the incredible beauty contained in a new life. I relished the opportunity to observe Rebecca and Mark as they watched Andrew with increasing amazement. I felt truly privileged to see my own child learn the true meaning of joy and innocence from my grandson. And I, too, took advantage of the precious opportunity Andrew offered me to once again feel the depth of some of the purest qualities a human life can possess.”
“I’m sure many of you are like me. No matter how old our children get we can still see the little child in them. No matter how they may change, we still see the innocence and wonder lying behind their adult assurance. We still see their bright wide eyes blowing out a candle, or excitedly crawling towards their favorite blanket. No matter how powerful or cynical they may become, we’re still able to see those innocent little eyes groping for knowledge, or looking surprised by their own shadow.”
“I never saw two people more excited to be parents than Rebecca and Mark. They often talked with a mixture of pride and gratitude of how Andrew had transformed their lives. They quickly learned that the miracle of birth is just the first of many in store for a parent. Each time they talked to us they had a new discovery or accomplishment to share with us. From Andrew’s first smile to the first time he crawled, his every move attested to the wonder and awe of life.”
“Rachel and I were fortunate enough to have almost daily contact with Rebecca and Mark. During the week we received reports on any significant events in Andrew’s life, and each Sunday afternoon we got together as a family. All of their updates and revelations regarding Andrew centered around how precious he made life. His innocence and joy filled their lives and had them see their own lives through similar eyes.”
“When we got together on Sunday afternoons he brought joy to our hearts in countless ways. His innocence and purity brought warmth to winter days, and refreshed us on the sweltering days of summer. His smile was magical and could easily cast away the darkest of moods. No pain was too great, or problem so large as to survive the warm penetrating glow of his gentle smile.”
“When I was a young parent I came to depend on Rebecca’s smile to keep me in good spirits. If I had a particularly difficult day, or the world news was especially depressing I could always find solace in Rebecca’s smiling eyes. She fueled my optimism and was the cornerstone of all my hopes. She was my guiding light and inspired me to try my hardest to make the world a better place for her.”
“When Andrew was born I soon became entranced by his smile. Through time I became as dependent on Andrew’s smile as I was on Rebecca’s. I could see that a lot of us had become dependent on Andrew’s smile. Andrew’s beauty had cast a spell over his parents and his grandparents, and we all thirsted to see his smiling eyes. Yet, now we are stripped of the healing glow of his smile. We are gathered here today, not to bask in his beauty, but to sadly remember it. Our weighted hearts need his smile now more than ever, and that is why I choose to talk about his smile today.”
Desmond continued on for a few more minutes talking about how important it is for all of those who knew Andrew to remember his smile. He talked about how the healing power of that smile, and how it can inspire those who miss him most to live on. Desmond pointed out how quickly one’s perception of life can become dark or pessimistic, and he pleaded with all those who cared for Andrew to continue to be inspired by his memory.
The mood in the church was fast becoming increasingly somber and gloomy. The uplifting tenor of his words were quickly their losing steam. He could feel the sense of loss gnawing away at his memories of Andrew. Desmond felt his own heart darkening and flashes of anger biting at the edges of his words of optimism. Pausing for a moment, Desmond pondered the best way of talking about the loss of Andrew.
“I’ve been the pastor here for over twenty years, and in that time I’ve had the dubious honor of officiating a number of funerals. I’ve probably helped lay to rest a family member or loved one of every one assembled here today.”
Desmond looked about the church and visually acknowledged a number of head nods. “The pain and loss involved in each and every death is unique. Some deaths come suddenly others all too slowly. Some deaths seem irrational, others are quite expected. Yet, no matter what the circumstance is surrounding a death, the sense of loss is always present.”
“Most funerals that I officiate are for people much older than Andrew. Usually, the person who has died has lived a long full life. They have gone to school, fallen in love, had a family, watch their children grow, played with their grandchildren and even sometimes played with their great grandchildren. Though all the family is affected by their death the one most hit hard is their spouse.”
“When one loses a spouse late in life, they have lost their life companion. They have lost the person who has lived with them and known them the longest time. They have lost the person who they shared all their dreams, desires and concerns with. They have not lost just a companion, but the very presence which defined their life, which gave their life meaning…They have lost their past!” Desmond pronounced these last words with great emphasis. He paused for a moment to let this sentiment sink in while scanning the church seeking eye contact with a number of widow’s and widower’s.
“Rebecca and Mark are both young. They have been married for such a relatively short time, and lost their child before he reached the age of two. They unlike most grieving individuals have not lost their past, but rather their future.”
“Though they have fond memories of their life with Andrew, memories which they will keep and cherish until the day they die, their main loss deals with the future. Each time they take a moment to watch one of Andrew’s contemporaries they will wonder what Andrew would have been like at that stage of life.”
“When would have Andrew been potty trained? What would have been his favorite subject at school? Would he had liked sports? How would he had been like his mom, his dad? What kind of person would he have married? What kind of father would he make? All of these questions and many more will be asked by Mark and Rebecca.”
Rebecca and Rachel cried out loud at these words, as did a few other women scattered throughout the church. Desmond raised his voice ever so slightly to insure that even those who were crying could continue to hear him.
“Andrew’s life was a wonderful, happy life. A life which was a source of constant pride and enjoyment for his parents. Each passing day was like a new page in the most beautiful and touching book they had ever read. After putting him down to sleep for the night, they recounted the day’s adventures and wondered what new and exciting twists tomorrow would bring. The story of Andrew’s life was one they planned on reading for years to come.”
“Yet, now they have lost this most captivating and lovely story. No longer can they read on about the adventures of their little hero. After being enticed and intoxicated by it’s first few chapters they now find that they have lost the book.”
“They will assuredly wake up many times and forget that the book is missing. They will often find themselves walking about the house expecting to find their book in the living room or in the nursery. Rebecca and Mark may even deny that their book is truly missing and spend days looking for it. Yet, sooner of later they will begin to accept the fact that the most beautiful book they had ever read is gone for good. They will have to cope with the fact that they will never be able to read the book of Andrew any further.”
“They will never forget a single passage from the book of Andrew, and they will frequently wonder what the rest of the story would have been like.”
Desmond stopped for a few seconds quietly reaffirming that the book of Andrew was indeed gone. His gaze was strong but tender as he once again scanned the entire church before continuing the eulogy of his only grandson.
“I don’t want to spend any time today talking about Andrew’s future. I don’t want to rationalize or explain his death, or talk about his journey to heaven. Andrew was a beautiful and pure child. Whatever happens to a pure soul after they die will happen to Andrew regardless of my beliefs or my words here today. I’ve never been one to profess any special insight into the will of God, and I will not begin to today.”
“My concern today isn’t so much with Andrew’s future, but with Rebecca’s and Mark’s. I worry about their future, a future with a heavy burden. A burden born from a tragedy which many young parents never fully recover. A tragedy which often destroys even the closest marriages or riddles both with feelings of anger and guilt.”
“Rebecca and Mark will need all of our support to help them survive this tragedy. They will need to stay strong and rely on each other. They will need to draw upon all their love to keep themselves from blaming themselves or turning on each other. They will need to draw on the beauty they saw in Andrew’s life, in order to survive his loss.”
“One of the first things for Rebecca and Mark to accept is that there can be no replacement for Andrew. No other child or person can duplicate the beauty which was Andrew. He, like all children, had unique qualities which marked him as a individual. If Mark and Rebecca decide to have more children they will all be blessed with individual traits deserving of their parents love and admiration.”
Desmond’s voice began to take on a pleading quality as he articulated his deepest concerns and fears. He was more than concerned, he was afraid. Afraid that Rebecca’s anger and guilt would turn her against all she loved. Afraid that her love affair with motherhood would make it impossible for her to accept Andrew’s death. Afraid that her broken heart would feel unfaithful if it were to feel love for anyone but Andrew.
Fear and concern were not only in his words, but in his eyes. Desmond’s glances around the church decreased as his gaze increasingly became fixed on Rebecca and Mark. His eyes misty with tears looked deep into Rebecca and tried to grab hold of her mind while consoling her heart. He wanted her to listen, to truly hear what he was saying.
Desmond had seen people and marriages destroyed by the death of a young child. He witnessed parents who never accepted the death of their child, building shrines to them in bedrooms and living rooms. Their houses, always dark and gloomy with pictures and sad memories, suffocating any life which tried to enter their hearts.
Some parents he knew tried to re-create their lost child through having more children. Each child born was pressured to be the perfect replacement for child they lost. Never measuring up, and forever a disappointment to their parents these ineffective substitutions never felt worthy of the sibling they never knew. Desmond knew of two such replacements that committed suicide before they were twenty, and a few others who had turned to drugs and alcohol as a means of coping with their feeling of inferiority.
Desmond revealed his fears while trying not to sound too preachy. He chose his words carefully, for he was not only talking to Rebecca and Mark, but to a few others in the congregation who had lost their child and grandchild. He wanted to warn Rebecca and Mark while assisting those in the church who were further along in the process of coping with the death of a child.
Desmond had too often seen the pain and devastation which results when people over-analyze the death of a loved one. He knew how inconsolable people who need death to be understandable can become. To this he cautioned, “Death, no matter how tragic or irrational must be accepted. Second guessing, or blaming oneself or others for the death of a loved one is very dangerous. There are no specific reasons for death, anymore than there are for life. Life and death are both mysteries never fully to be understood.”
Death, Desmond tried to point out, is not only a source of pain, but appreciation. The fragility and vulnerability of life make it all the more precious. Love and happiness become greater treasures to savor when bracketed by the certainty of death.
Continuing on in this vein Desmond stressed that life is not a right, but a miracle. To lose someone we love is not a punishment, but a reminder of how incredible is the gift of life. Without minimizing the reality of loss entailed in the death of a loved one, Desmond struggled to assert the positive aspects of death. Death, he offered, is an opportunity for us to reflect on the beauty of every life. If life wasn’t beautiful or worth living, we wouldn’t grieve. When we mourn, it is because we are going to miss someone special, and the meaning they provided our lives.
When we mourn, it is a time for us to rededicate ourselves to making the most out of every moment we are alive. Instead of causing us to become cynical or give up on life, death should inspire us to fully live each moment.
“Since Andrew’s life was all joy and happiness, it would be an unfitting tribute to his life if we allowed his death to strip our lives of happiness. Sure we will mourn the loss of such a gentle and pure soul, but we should also let his light shine forth from our hearts. The memory of his beauty should show itself in our daily joy and happiness.”
Desmond’s attention returned to the dark nature of guilt and blame. He asked all those present to help Rebecca and Mark accept Andrew’s death. “Feeling’s of guilt and blame were foreign to Andrew, and should not be a living testimony to his death.”
People began to stir as Desmond talked about guilt and blame. Desmond sensing that he was hitting an emotional nerve (with many in the church) quickly realized it’s origin. While Desmond’s focus was on having Rebecca and Mark accept Andrew’s death and be able to successfully move on with their lives, the congregation was locked on blaming Alan Bell for killing Andrew.
Anger and resentment began to pulse through the congregation destroying the sensitive mood Desmond had so carefully crafted. The perfect atmosphere he had spent the last two days creating for this service was now in danger of being violently destroyed. For the first time during this entire service people began to disrespect the reverent mood of the church and began whispering words full of agitation to their neighbors.
Desmond’s eyes were pained to see that even Rachel and Rebecca were whispering their discontent to each other. He, too, felt a twinge of anger rifle through his body in opposition to the judgmental attitude of those seeking revenge in the hide of Alan Bell. Though he strongly disagreed with the righteousness of their wrath he did not want to dispute it now. All he wanted was to restore the calm and dignity to his grandson’s funeral.
Quickly, Desmond returned the eulogy back to the memory of Andrew and away from the concepts of guilt and blame. Gripping the sides of the pulpit Desmond closed his eyes and began painting soft images of his dearest Andrew. He once again emptied his heart into fond images of Andrew at play and nestled in the arms of those who loved him. Within a few moments the congregation was thoroughly cleansed of its hatred and love once again filled the room.
Desmond continued to spin a web of fond memories until all were uplifted by the bittersweet images of Andrew’s life. He could see in their faces that his fond memories of Andrew were calling up similar memories of loved one’s whom they all had lost.
With an air of complete contentment Desmond finished up with a few of his fondest snapshots. In keeping with his general theme, Desmond’s last four images dealt with joy, wonder, innocence and purity. Following his last image, Desmond sighed deeply and admitted that all his dreams of being a grandfather were fulfilled through Andrew.
Looking directly at Rebecca, he said, “I feel so grateful that you found it in your heart to bring Andrew into the world.” Including Mark into his gaze he added, “You both were wonderful parents to Andrew and should be proud of the person he was, and the beautiful memory he will always be. Any child would be blessed to have you as their parent. If you decide to have more children I’m sure they will be beautiful, but if you don’t have any more children I will have no regrets. The time I spent with Andrew, and his memory are more than any grandparent could ask for…Once again I’d like to thank both of you for letting us share in his most incredible life.”
Soft tears and whimpers were heard throughout the church. Mark embraced a sobbing Rebecca for a long and tender moment. Desmond watched on with tears in his eyes, and then looked lovingly over to Rachel. Desmond at this moment could feel no sorrow, only appreciation for the many years of love his wife and daughter had provided him. Without them, he never would have known the love of a family. A feeling which meant more to him than any other. A feeling which now reverberated throughout his entire being.
Returning his attention to Rebecca he waited for her to finish her loving embrace with Mark and to make eye contact with him. Once he eyes returned to his he softly began, “The last few days your eyes have been filled with sorrow. My little girl has been hurt deeply and pain and anger have accompanied you almost each and every moment.”
“For the first time in your life the look of wonder and joy has been stripped from your eyes. In the past, no matter how pained your life, I still was able to see underneath your suffering. I was always able to see that look of wonder and innocence beyond the pain…More than anything else, I need to see my little girl again. I need to know that I can still comfort her and help her see the beauty that she is, the beauty that her very presence gives to life.”
Desmond took a few more moments making a personal pledge to Rebecca that he would always be there for her. Rebecca stared at her father and though she appreciated his testament of love, she found it hard not to think of the light of her life which now was gone. She doubted that she could ever be her daddy’s little girl again, and found it impossible to think that her eyes would ever again be filled with wonder and innocence. “How could one ever be innocent after such a tragedy?”, she sadly asked herself.
The eulogy, filled with heart wrenching testimonials and recollections, had left Desmond emotionally exhausted. Wanting to end his speech on a positive note, Desmond talked on for another minute restoring the gentle mood that existed before the eulogy. After the emotional cocoon was fully rebuilt, Desmond felt comfortable slipping back into the security of the funeral mass.
The congregation silently watched Desmond gracefully dance his way through the remainder of the funeral service. Enchanted with the beautiful scenery of their quaint little church, everyone was free to dream and fondly remember those who were no longer part of their lives, and to treasure those who were still there along their side.