Rev. Coleman told Desmond to sit down and relax and that he would take care of the last minute preparations for the Sunday service. When Desmond protested, he reminded Desmond that this was his day in the sun, and his scuttling about where everyone could see him would only detract from the event.
Desmond was excited and did indeed feel like he was about to attend a party in his honor. He had been anxiously anticipating this service since the very moment when he was told about it by Mr. Yates on the phone.
With just minutes to go before the beginning of the service, Desmond wondered who would indeed show up. Rebecca said she would make it, but Rachel had been extremely reluctant to commit herself. Over the last week only a few people had told Desmond they planned on coming, and Desmond was slightly fearful that today’s turnout would be rather small.
Standing up, Desmond began to pace. In all his preparations for this day he had focused most of his attention on how fun today would be, and how good it would feel to have his years of service be recognized. Yet, his thoughts now turned towards the downside of this last service.
This was his farewell, and he was not sure how ready he was to say goodbye. Desmond took these last moments to reflect on just what he was saying farewell to. Was he just saying goodbye to being the pastor, or was he saying farewell to a life style he had enjoyed for his entire adult life? Did today’s service also signal the end of his function in this community? How about his family? Was this service an indirect public concession of the termination of his marriage to Rachel?
After all, the reason he was being replaced was because of the breakdown of his family. This mass was, therefore, an admission that no reconciliation was possible. Up until today many friends had certainly fantasized that Rachel and Desmond would reconcile, and that Desmond would be reinstated as pastor. Today’s service, Desmond sadly recognized, would most likely put an end to that dream, not only for friends, but him also.
Desmond’s sudden emotional letdown before the service grew more intense as his thoughts continued. His last conversation with Rachel, though pleasant, focused on his farewell service and almost completely ignored their relationship. Rachel, for all appearances, was settling into their new friendship. She showed no signs of wanting to be intimate, or reconcile, but instead seemed to be content with fostering a platonic friendship.
During their last conversation Desmond could recall many instances where she commented on how reassuring she found their talks. She not only seemed satisfied with the current state of their relationship, but appeared to Desmond to be thriving on its casualness.
Desmond had run out of ideas on how to intensify or ignite Rachel’s passions. He no longer had any hope of finding any new way to court her. The obstacles to their reconciliation which he had identified seemed insurmountable and cast in stone. Desmond had not so much given up, as become realistic in the direction their relationship was taking.
Desmond stopped pacing and stood motionless poised in front of a window overlooking the back property of the church. Sad thoughts continued to come to him as he looked out the window without really seeing anything.
All the movement and excitement of the last month now seemed to Desmond to be little more than a fanciful distraction. His talks with Rachel and the preparations for this service had deceived him into believing he was reacquiring the life he dearly missed. Yet, really looking at what had been happening revealed something quite different to Desmond.
In a moment he would leave this little sanctuary to say goodbye to all his friends. Instead of regaining his old life, he was about to bring it to a close. He felt as if he were now being asked to say farewell to everything he had held dear for so many years. This service would represent an end to his old life and the beginning of a new one. A new existence he felt unprepared for but was definitely forming with or without his consent.
Rev. Coleman appeared and with uncharacteristic enthusiasm told Desmond it was time. Desmond nodded without turning from the window and took a deep breath as Rev. Coleman walked away. Turning from the window Desmond took his glasses off and rubbed his eyes. In an attempt to clear his mind of his regrets he thought of all the good times the church had held for him and the gratitude he should now be feeling.
Desmond’s entrance to the church was greeted by the sound of the hushed comments of everyone present as they scrambled to their feet. To his surprise, Desmond found the entire church filled with familiar faces. Next to Andrew’s funeral this was the most packed he could ever recall seeing the church. Many of the standing room only crowd were dressed in their Easter best and the entire church seemed charged with electricity.
The sight of so many friendly eyes instantly brought tears to Desmond’s eyes. He greeted as many of the smiles as personally as he could while he made his way to the alter. Standing in front of the congregation he continued to greet as many people with smiles as he could. A small outbreak of laughter made its way through the church in response to Desmond’s stunned smiles to all his friends. Desmond awkwardly fumbled a bit and then turned away when he realized how long he had remained smiling and otherwise motionless at the altar.
Turning once again to face the congregation, Desmond looked over to his left to see if Rebecca were seated in her customary seat. To his inexpressible delight he saw not only Rebecca, but Mark and Rachel seated at the end of the first pew. His eyes once again uncontrollably locked as he gazed deep into Rachel’s eyes. Her eyes stayed with his, but she soon grew slightly embarrassed with the length of his stare. Hushed laughter once again pulled Desmond away from the warmth of his surprise to the task at hand.
Putting himself on autopilot Desmond began the service while continuing his search through the audience. Every face brought back fond memories of his years as friend and pastor to the many people of this fair community. He felt loved and appreciated by everyone and saw that even Hal Willis met his eyes with a smile.
Just when Desmond was getting over the size of the crowd his eyes fell upon one and then another surprise. Gracing First Christian with their presence were none other than Carl and Pat. Neither had been to a church in years, and Pat had long ago professed to Desmond that he would never again enter a church. Obviously aware of the stir their attendance might cause, they both remained hidden at the very back of the church about thirty feet apart.
With a heart swollen with gratitude and joy Desmond no longer found room for any sad thoughts or feelings. He felt nothing but the unity of the moment as he led the congregation in prayer and thanks. He bounded quickly but reverently through the service draped in the kind thoughts of everyone assembled in his honor. His entire world became the celebration of this very moment, and he could see no reason to entertain any other concerns.
Even though this was a special day for him, Desmond did not want to over personalize the service. So when the time for the sermon came along Desmond decided not to mar the integrity and sanctity of the service with personal goodbyes or a long review of his many years at First Christian.
All Desmond wanted to say he would do indirectly through one of his favorite topics. With a smile on his face and raw emotion in his voice he began to express all his feelings through a sermon on acceptance. Through this topic he found it easy to talk to everyone, including himself.
He started the sermon by pointing out that acceptance did not mean sitting back and taking every punch life delivers. Instead, Desmond claimed, acceptance involves actively working with life. “Acceptance is not passivity,” professed Desmond, “but working with rather than against life.”
In support of this view Desmond recited ancient proverbs and images from Chinese and native American poetry and philosophy. He talked of how the flexible and yielding tree survives the strongest winds whereas the strong, sturdy and inflexible one is broken. He talked of how all forms of self defense and martial arts teach one how to play off the strength of their opponent.
“One does not resist the power of an opponent,” he argued, “or absorb the full force of a punch, but instead uses the force of their attackers punch to make them lose their balance or fall. In all battles or difficult situations it is the one who accepts and works with the situation who incurs the least amount of injury.”
“A person who wins a fight will often find himself re-challenged, or the target of revenge. A person who passively allows himself to be beaten is often killed leaving their loved ones to fend for themselves. Acceptance teaches us that the only way to win a battle is to actively prevent one from happening.”
Once Desmond was confident he had sufficiently distinguished acceptance from being passive, he broadened its application to all aspects of life. He used the topic of acceptance to say goodbye and express his feelings to everyone.
Through the concept of acceptance he was able to tell everyone that he bore no anger at his being dismissed and was optimistically embracing the changes in his life. He let them know that he was thankful for all they had shared, and looked forward to sharing his new life with them.
Masked in his words of acceptance were his feelings and concerns regarding all his family members. To Rebecca and Mark he was proposing a way for them to cope with Andrew’s death and to move on with their lives. To Rachel he was indirectly expressing his concerns regarding the long term effect of her rigid beliefs on her ability to find happiness. Desmond through these words and images was also able to give expression to his dying hope that Rachel would return to him if she accepted him and his views.
In his investigation into the idea of acceptance Desmond even gave counsel to himself. Much of what he said about acceptance rang true, and showed him how unaccepting, manipulative and combative his current existence had become. By the end of his sermon Desmond realized his future happiness was highly dependent on his ability to let go of the past and accept the present. Desmond ended the sermon telling all others, and himself, that the only way to embrace the future was through accepting the present.
The remainder of the service went by all too quickly for Desmond who wished he could have spent the entire day in the presence of his friends. As he ended the service he found it almost impossible to take his eyes off of Rachel and Rebecca. He wanted to remember how they looked today for the rest of his life. His family, thought somewhat artificially reunited, never looked closer or more loving to him. Rebecca and even Rachel’s eyes shone with pride during the entire service and showed no signs of past pains.
When the congregation filed out of the church Rebecca and Rachel were swarmed by friends. Desmond, who soon made his appearance, was likewise surrounded by well wishing friends. Soon the crowd began to thin and Desmond watched Rebecca and Rachel walk off with Mark towards the parking lot.
He almost called out to them as they mad their way to the car, but decided against such a public demonstration of appreciation. Not wanting to ruin the beauty of the service by making anyone uncomfortable, Desmond decided he’d call them later on in the day to thank them for coming.
Desmond talked with friends and well wishers for a good twenty minutes before finally leaving the premises. He went straight home and found that he couldn’t sit still. The excitement from the service made him antsy and unable to relax. After a few minutes of roaming about the house aimlessly Desmond changed into some comfortable clothes and went outside.
It was a beautiful, bright and sunny day with almost no wind. In the shade it was still very chilly, but in the sunlight it was almost spring-like. In contrast to the terrible cold of winter this March day was practically balmy. Desmond felt warm and cozy as he walked towards the pond.
Deciding that it was too warm to skate, Desmond contented himself with taking some time to straighten up the back yard. Walking leisurely about Desmond picked up the small branches and twigs which had fallen during the heavy snows. Taking many deep breaths Desmond waltzed with the calm energy of nature’s first taste of spring. His thoughts gravitated towards remembering the wisdom in his sermon and the impact they held for his future.
The rejuvenating influence of the air induced Desmond to seek true acceptance. He no longer wanted to spend his time plotting ways to win Rachel back, or seduce her into appreciating him. In order for his life to progress he knew he needed to stop his vigil for Rachel. Life must go on, and it was time for him to make some decisions.
The reality of these revelations were fought every inch of the way by the fond memories which interrupted his train of thought. He was sad to have to let go of the fantasy of recreating his old life, but knew his future happiness depended on his accepting his new life. Instead of trying to force life to go the way of his dreams he needed his dreams to adapt to the options his current existence held for him.
Desmond thought of the many things he learned from the morning’s service. First, he was reminded how much he enjoyed helping the people of this town and how close they had become through the years. He also realized how much he missed leading Sunday worship and having a chance to publicly express his thoughts in each weeks sermon.
He not only loved the people of First Christian, but the church itself. Speaking from the pulpit of another church would never be the same. He knew it would take years for him to make another church fit him as snugly and reflect who he was. First Christian was a second body for Desmond as familiar to him as his own shadow.
As he walked along the pond’s edge Desmond sought an acceptable compromise, a realistic solution which would satisfy his needs. What were his options if his goals were to stay near his friends and family, hold Sunday services, and remain caretaker of First Christian?
Desmond decided he could best meet these needs by, at least temporarily, remaining the caretaker of First Christian. Keeping his current position would not only allow him the pleasure of tending to the church, but also give him access to all his friends. His time at church would not interfere with his being able to help out on people’s farms, volunteering at the schools, visiting sick friends, or any other community service he enjoyed performing.
In terms of his desire to conduct Sunday services, Desmond saw a few options available. In the very least he figured he should be able to lead services at First Christian when Rev. Coleman went on vacation. He also thought it was likely the board would allow him to occasionally fill in for Rev. Coleman at other times, or maybe hold a second service during especially busy holidays such as Christmas and Easter.
Even if he stayed at First Christian he knew he could hold services at other churches. He decided he could substitute at other parishes allowing the pastor some off time or to provide assistance during an emergency. Though not ideal, these solutions seemed to Desmond to be realistic.
Suddenly, Desmond became aware of a rustling sound coming from behind him. He twirled around quickly feeling a presence drawing near. Desmond body lurked forward as he saw a person not more than twenty feet away.
“Hi, I hope I’m not disturbing you.”
All of Desmond’s new determination to let go of the past died away the instant he saw Rachel’s face approaching him. How could he expect life to go on with the past ever so close, seducing and beckoning him to never let go?
Desmond studied his lovely bride for a long time. If he was to move on, he knew he had to be convinced once and for all that the door to the past was completely shut.
Rachel anxiously waited for Desmond to speak. Feeling quite embarrassed by his stare she stammered on, “If I’ve come at a bad time…”
“No, not at all,” Desmond almost shouted out as he leapt back out of his daydream. “I was just lost in thought, and I was not expecting to see anyone.”
“Especially you,” he thought to himself.
“I know I shouldn’t just stop by unannounced like this,” Rachel admitted nervously, “but I wanted to talk to you, and the phone didn’t seem quite right.”
“Actually, I’m glad you came over. I’ve been thinking a lot about the future, and I need to talk to you, to ask you some questions,” Desmond swallowed hard as he wondered what in the hell he was actually going to ask her.
In a rather quick tempo Desmond began to share the thoughts he was having only moments ago. He mentioned how much of his sermon was directed more at himself than anyone else, and how he truly needed his life to move on.
Instinctively they began to walk along the pond’s edge as he talked. Rachel listened attentively to Desmond but said nothing. Though he tried to be direct and bring the focus of his thoughts back to them, he could not. Everything he said, though quite true, remained abstract and unrelated to their relationship.
Instead of confronting her on whether she could ever foresee them together again, he circuitously talked about his need to accept his current life. When he talked of staying on as the caretaker of First Christian it almost seemed as if he were asking her permission to continue to live in town. In a way he was, for he wanted to know if his continued presence in town was as disturbing to her as it was to him.
He loved her, and wanted her, and being near her was pure torture. He couldn’t bear the thought of watching her live her life away from him, or worse yet, fall in love with another man. Desmond, unable to confront Rachel, did the only thing he could and that was to talk about his feelings, not hers.
“I don’t mean to pressure you,” Desmond’s voice sounded plaintive and somewhat defeated, “but I just have to let you know I still love you deeply, and I wish more than anything we could be back together.”
“Why Desmond Prouty,” Rachel said playfully, “I do believe you’re proposing to me.”
“Well,” Desmond sputtered confused by Rachel’s voice tone, “I guess…I am.”
“How many times did you propose to me before I accepted?” Rachel asked somewhat flippantly.
“You turned me down twice,” Desmond said dejectedly.
Rachel smiled at Desmond’s response, and then her face got rather serious as she stated, “I’m glad you talked about your feelings because it makes it easier for me to say what I came here to say.”
Desmond’s stomach churned at the silent message the formality in her voice carried. He had heard that tone on many occasions and it could slice him as deeply as any knife. The pace of their steps slowed down till they were barely moving forward. Taking her time and selecting her words, Rachel’s face grew more somber as she finally began to speak.
“All the time we’ve been married, and these months we’ve spent apart I’ve never doubted your love for me. Your love has always made feel secure and important, and has been a great comfort to me during these last few months.”
Rachel’s eyes narrowed into a squint as she struggled to find the right words. Desmond all but held his breath as he waited for her to go on.
“I fell in love with a man who was devoted to God, and to helping and guiding others on their spiritual path. When you began to question your beliefs and your faith, I felt betrayed. I never felt comfortable with your doubts and silently hoped that God would somehow restore your faith,” Rachel’s eyes reflected the years of disappointment she was expressing.
“I always refused to discuss your beliefs so that I could keep loving and respecting you. I think you realized that if you would have forced me to talk, it surely would have meant the end of our marriage.”
“Being separated from you has given me the freedom to discuss our differences…and I must admit that I’ve enjoyed our recent talks. I still do not agree with your views, but it is easier for me to talk to you as a friend rather than a husband. As a friend I enjoy the challenge of trying to convert you, yet as a wife I would feel threatened by our differences. As your wife, my love for you might shake my faith in God. Our marriage then would not be an act of love, but of temptation.”
“The months I have spent away from you have just reinforced what I have already known. It has shown me that our differences of faith are great. It has shown me how dangerous is our love, and how difficult it is for me to resist your doubts and questions. It has also shown me that you are the kindest, sweetest, gentlest and most ethical man I’ve ever known,” Rachel’s eyes filled with tears, and Desmond too felt on the verge of heartbreak.
“When I saw you on the pulpit this morning,” Rachel went on fighting off her tears with a couple of sniffles, “I knew that is where you belong. You belong on the pulpit because you have a rare gift. You have the ability to inspire everyone listening to you to feel loved and show that love to others.”
“Watching you today I could not help but feel proud. I was glad to be a part of your life and to have had your child. I have always felt that you were one of the most beautiful people I’ve known despite your beliefs, yet today I finally realized you’re a good man because of your beliefs.”
Rachel stopped and turned towards Desmond who likewise stood still. After a deep breath Rachel confessed, “I want to come home! If it’s okay with you, I’d like to move back in today.”
Desmond clutched on to Rachel as if she were the last rock holding him above a deep canyon. With her in his arms he was sure he’d never have to take that fall. A fall to emptiness which he had felt his life spiraling towards.
Draped in the warmth of each other’s bodies they stood embraced for a long time. Desmond then placed his hand behind her head and lifted her face towards his. They kissed long and deep and felt each others spirits enter their bodies. When they resurfaced Rachel whispered, “take me home”.
Desmond placed his arm around her waist and began the slow walk back to the house. Desmond felt numb, as if his entire body had been shot with Novocaine. He did not sense his feet nor his legs, and the numbness in his throat made speech impossible. The only sensation he was able to feel was the burning warmth of Rachel’s hip pressed in against his thigh.
When they entered the back door they were almost instantly mobbed by Rebecca who had been waiting inside. Seeing her parents arm in arm she shouted, “Oh my God! I knew it.”
Rachel and Desmond still in a fog of contentment said nothing but only smiled. Rebecca called out, “Mark come here, they’re back together.”
Rachel whispered to Desmond, “I hope you don’t mind, but Mark and Rebecca came with me.” Desmond shook his head in disbelief and wondered just how much of what had happened had been planned.
“Congratulations,” Mark said upon seeing Rachel and Desmond.
“Mark,” Rebecca said excitedly, “I think mom could use some help bringing in her things.”
Pulling Desmond away from Rachel’s side Rebecca joyfully announced, “Now its not proper for a husband to watch his wife move back in, so I think we should go back outside for awhile.”
Recognizing the silent protest in Desmond’s eyes Rebecca continued, “Besides I’ve got some things I need to talk to you about too.”
“Don’t keep him long,” Rachel said sleepily as she let Mark escort her out of the room.
Rebecca grabbed Desmond’s arm as they began the walk back down towards the pond. With a voice full of deviant pride Rebecca finally offered, “Have I got a secret for you?”
“What?” Desmond asked pulling himself out of his self-contented fog.
“Well I felt awful bad not getting you a Christmas present this year. So I decided to get you a belated one.”
Rebecca nuzzled into her father and he patted her shoulder. Returning a distance away to see his eyes she continued, “I was the one who went and convinced the Board of Governor’s to do today’s service.”
“I should have known,” laughed Desmond. “That was a wonderful present sweetheart. Thank you. I can’t tell you how much…”
“That’s only part of the present,” Rebecca interrupted in mock hurt. “I also had a few conversations with Rev. Coleman.”
“So you do like the man,” Desmond interjected joining in on Rebecca’s playfulness.
“Not as much as my dad,” she said turning directly towards him to build on the anticipation of what her and Rev. Coleman talked about.
“I asked him if he would consider being the pastor of another parish…”
“You didn’t”
“And he said he would if the Board wanted to reinstate you.”
“I wouldn’t get your hopes up about that.”
“I don’t have to,” Rebecca laughed. “They told me that they would consider letting you come back as pastor if you and mom reconciled.”
“Did your mom know this?” Desmond asked in fear.
“No,” Rebecca gloated, “not at all. So, now I guess the board has no excuse not to give you your parish back.”
“Well they can’t just fire Rev. Coleman,” reasoned Desmond attempting to keep his hopes from getting the best of him.
“He’s already been offered another position,” announced Rebecca. “And there’s no way I’m going to let the board back off of their promise.”
No longer able to prolong his skepticism Desmond picked Rebecca up and twirled her about saying, “That is the greatest gift I could ever receive. Thank you Becky, I don’t know how I could ever repay you.”
Intoxicated with his sudden good fortune Desmond raced Rebecca down to the pond. They walked along its edge laughing and talking about the good times. They talked about past winters and exchanged their favorite Christmas stories.
Desmond asked for more details regarding her conversations with the Board as well as her talks with Rev. Coleman. When Desmond suggested they head back, Rebecca asked if she could ask one more question before they went inside.
“Sure sweetheart,” Desmond said tenderly sensing that it was important.
“Before I ask any questions I want to apologize for getting so angry with you for defending Mr. Bell.”
“No apology needed, you had every right to be hurt and angry.”
“I was wrong to ever blame him, or hate you for pointing that out.”
Desmond face got sullen as he confessed, “I’m the one who should be apologizing to you.”
“That’s silly,” Rebecca complained.
“I handled the whole situation very poorly” Desmond admitted. “Even if I was right in not hating Alan, it gave me no reason to hurt you and your mother. It was because of how poorly I reacted to your pain, that you and your mother found it necessary to leave me.”
Desmond’s face brightened as he recalled, “I remember as a little child how angry you used to get when you hurt yourself. When you fell down you’d slap the ground crying out ‘bad dirt, or bad floor’. I can’t tell you how many times I found you cussing out some inanimate object any time you fell down.”
“When you skinned your knee or drew blood part of me wanted to join you in scolding the world for causing my little girl pain. Yet, soon I realized I had to teach you it wasn’t the chair’s fault that you tripped…I guess I was just trying to do the same thing with Alan.”
Rebecca smiled snug in the reminiscings of her father. Seeing that his apology was accepted Desmond asked, “So what was that question you wanted to ask?”
“During the service for Andrew you said it didn’t matter if I ever have another child, is that true?”
“Of course it’s true,” asserted Desmond confidently.
“Won’t you miss being a grandfather?”
“I don’t think so. Why? Are you and Mark thinking about having another child?” asked Desmond with concern.
“No, not really,” Rebecca admitted somewhat sheepishly. “I’m not really sure if I’m ready yet. I don’t even know when I’d be ready…I guess that’s what I want to know. After you lose a child, how does one know when to have another?”
“No set time sweetheart,” sympathized Desmond, “just whenever you’re ready.”
“How do I know when I’m ready? Or even if I’ll ever be ready?” Desmond smiled and taking Rebecca’s hand sadly admitted, “I can’t really say. I’m not even ready to be a grandfather again.”
“How will you know when you’re ready to be a grandfather,” Rebecca asked looking desperately into Desmond’s eyes for a little fatherly guidance.
“I guess when I stop seeing Andrew’s face in every child I see,” Desmond said as he now saw Andrew in Rebecca’s pleading eyes.
“If that’s what it takes,” Rebecca said sounding as if her question had been answered, “then I’m still a long way from being ready.”
Taking her hand and leading her back towards the house Desmond reassuringly responded, “We’ve got plenty of time, sweetheart, plenty of time.”