Winter during the month of February was harsh and brutal. Life in the little farming community all but stood still in the grip of two blizzards and a week of record cold temperatures. Desmond’s social life, in contrast, actually started to pick up. Over the course of the shortest month of the year Desmond saw Rachel four times and Rebecca on six separate occasions.
February was a very full month for Desmond who, when not seeing his wife or daughter, was busy planning for their next visit. Though still not content with living alone, he was very encouraged by the movement in his life. While winter raged outside paralyzing the entire county, Desmond’s life was full of movement and the promise of spring.
His visits with Rebecca were particularly rewarding. She was healing well and was beginning to find joy in life once again. At moments when Desmond got her to laugh, he could see her eyes twinkling with the same magic as when she was a little girl. Though he still doubted he would ever see the full return of her youthful innocence and purity, he felt privileged to catch an occasional glimpse of her spontaneous joy.
Rebecca’s visits were fairly short, less than an hour, but increasingly pleasant. She talked of many things, letting Desmond slowly back into her life. He was happy to be regaining her confidence, even if the process was a tad slow for his liking.
With each conversation Desmond could sense her trust in him being restored. The more comfortable she became the more honest and revealing her disclosures. Her anger towards Desmond was subsiding as she used these sessions as an opportunity to reflect on why she had felt a need to completely block him out of her life. She admitted to both her resentment and growing understanding of his unwillingness to hate Alan Bell, or anyone else for that matter.
Andrew, and even the accident, were no longer taboo subjects to be avoided. Rebecca’s mourning had now advanced to the point where she could find joy in his memory while no longer feeling a need to be somber or depressed when talking of his death. She was not only able to openly grieve, but no longer found it necessary to fervently blame Alan Bell for Andrew’s death. Rebecca was not quite ready yet to talk about her feelings of guilt regarding the accident, but they seemed, to Desmond, to be diminishing quite well on their own.
Each time he talked to Rebecca, Desmond could not help but feel a little better. Their relationship, though still not quite what it was, was progressing very nicely. Rebecca though very honest and increasingly affectionate with Desmond still held a little of herself in reserve. Desmond understood this distance and felt no need to hurry things along. He was quite confident that they would soon be as close as they ever were, maybe even closer.
Desmond was beginning to see his little girl growing into a woman. The tragedy of Andrew’s death was not only taking away but also adding to Rebecca’s life. She was becoming wiser, more mature and respectful of life. Desmond could see added depth in Rebecca’s observations and found her insights and intelligence more challenging with each conversation. He no longer feared Rebecca’s spirit being destroyed by pain, but looked forward to getting to know the beautiful woman it was miraculously producing.
Rebecca, too, seemed aware of her transformation. Though she still respected and somewhat revered her father, she now felt herself to be his contemporary. She no longer saw herself as a child, and with her new found maturity came a certain confidence. The loss of Andrew had taught her that no one is in control, and with this knowledge she gained a deeper respect for her father’s innate humility. She now fully understood what he meant when he used to tell her that “being an adult is not being in control, but only the ability to take life as it comes”.
While Desmond had nothing but positive feelings regarding the healing of his relationship with Rebecca, he had mixed emotions regarding his time with Rachel. The conversations, though highly productive and increasingly intimate, were also highlighting and emphasizing their differences.
Desmond personally found their talks very rewarding. They fulfilled, for him, all that he felt was missing in their relationship. He had no need for them to agree and actually found many of their arguments quite intoxicating. Though their viewpoints often clashed, Desmond experienced a great sense of unity in their ideas being expressed and shared. Desmond valued Rachel’s strength and conviction and reveled in the passion it brought to their talks.
With each conversation Desmond found himself more in love with Rachel. He admired her mind and the power of her will, and saw each excited exchange as an opportunity for them to get to know each other better. He was encouraged by her increased openness and willingness to address the issues, especially the spiritual and philosophical ones. For the first time in his life, Desmond felt understood by someone he deeply loved. Even when she viciously attacked one of his opinions she did so in a manner which showed she understood his view.
During the first conversation all his doubts were put to rest and he was ready to re-commit himself to his marriage to Rachel. After the second conversation, which took place three days later, Desmond found it impossible to contain his mounting passion.
When saying goodnight to her that evening Desmond gave Rachel a long passionate kiss. Rachel’s acceptance of this kiss enticed Desmond on further. Swept away by the moment they passionately embraced and kissed while at the door for a couple of minutes. Just as Desmond was about to carry Rachel off to the bedroom, she pulled herself away from him. With her body still heaving in breathless passion, Rachel told Desmond she had to go.
She called him on the phone that evening and told him she did not want their desires to rule their brains. Again she emphasized her resolve to only return under ideal circumstances. Rachel told Desmond she was looking for her soul mate. She already knew they were compatible on all levels of their life, and stated to never have had any complaints regarding their sex life or their friendship. What she claimed to be unsure of was their spiritual bond.
Rachel concluded her short reprimand of Desmond, by stating that she didn’t want the real issue of their spirituality to be clouded by their passion, or the temptation inherent in their long, secure life together. She said she wanted more than companionship, passion or friendship could offer, she wanted and would settle for nothing less than a soul mate.
Rachel’s trust of herself and Desmond was deeply shook by their passionate exchange at the doorway. Almost two weeks passed before she called to arrange another meeting. Desmond was on his best behavior during the two following talks trying his best not to tempt Rachel in any way. Desmond did this by not only keeping a physical distance but also avoiding all references to fond memories or positive aspects of their marriage.
Rachel found Desmond’s attempts to harness his feelings towards her rather endearing. On a few occasions Rachel could not resist smiling at Desmond’s obvious efforts to retain a stoic asexual stance.
Desmond’s optimism regarding the growth in intimacy inherent in the content of their conversations was strongly tempered by Rachel’s apparent read on their talks. While he found the openness and clash of ideas stimulating and refreshing, Rachel often felt alienated by their differences. Where he saw room for growth and appreciation of differences, she was more likely to see walls of separation.
Rachel saw Desmond’s passive beliefs, doubts and questions as a sure indication that they were not soul mates. On a number of occasions Rachel professed that the “good Lord” surely would want her to spend the rest of her life with someone who shared her spiritual strength and moral certainty. She also was not timid in admitting that no matter how much she loved and missed him, she had to acknowledge how spiritually unsuited they were to each other. Though Rachel was willing to discuss their often opposing spiritual beliefs, it seemed to Desmond that she was unwilling to compromise or even reassess any of her views. Desmond found no reason to believe that their talks would ever accomplish anything more than confirming Rachel’s belief that they no longer deserved to be husband and wife, only friends. Their talks, Desmond concluded with growing certainty, would never result in their reconciliation but only stoke Rachel’s desire to save him from his own logic and disbelief.
Desmond had always assumed that all distance between him and Rachel would be removed the moment she listened and understood his views. He had always believed that understanding precedes acceptance, and acceptance leads to love. Yet, he had to admit, his current situation was proving this belief wrong. Rachel upon recognizing the “real Desmond” was not being drawn to him, but rather becoming frustrated and disillusioned with his limitations.
The futility of their last conversation convinced Desmond he needed to take a different approach to win Rachel back. Everything Rachel was saying and doing lately told Desmond they were not heading towards reconciliation, but settling into a close friendship. Though a friendship was far better than what they had a short time ago, Desmond was not willing to write off their marriage just yet.
Each day he wondered how he could awaken the same feelings in her that he had towards their relationship. He asked himself over and over why she wasn’t feeling as close to him as he was to her? How could she not be moved by the sincerity and closeness of their conversations? How could she not see that they were and always will be soul mates?
Desmond disagreed with everything Rachel identified their relationship as lacking. The unity she stated as missing he felt to his very core. The ideals of intimacy she proclaimed to be seeking, he found in the care and love they put into every word they exchanged. In the very places she found distance he felt them bonded.
Yet, Desmond had to admit, the great gulf Rachel perceived between them wasn’t a total hallucination, but just a matter of perspective. In her perfect world with a perfect God and a perfect creation, there was no room for the relative joys Desmond found in life.
Desmond found joy in all of life’s trials and imperfections. Life, for Desmond, was an endless journey in which happiness was found in movement, in accomplishment, in discovery. Life was a process in which one was always striving to become closer more intimate with everything and everyone they were given the opportunity to meet.
Rachel’s world, despite their recent conversations, remained a perfect one having no room for adventure or discovery. Rachel, being an intelligent woman, realized that change of any type destroys perfection. No matter how much she loved Desmond and their life together, his ideas and views were incompatible with a perfect world and, therefore, nothing more than a threat and a temptation.
Entrenched in the spiritual world, beliefs and faith dominated Rachel’s existence. They always had shielded her from the pessimism and pain of the real world, and provided her with the strength and will to love in a world filled with hatred.
Yet, such security, from Desmond’s point of view, was gained at a hefty price. Her religious ideals closed her heart as well as her mind making it impossible for her to truly appreciate those in love with life. Everything real, not being perfect, was an illusion and a possible seduction to be mistrusted and not valued.
Despite these beliefs Rachel was one of the most vibrant and caring people Desmond had ever met. The limitations and prejudice contained in her beliefs seldom surfaced in her day-to-day life, or prevented her from emptying herself into her every experience. Her enthusiasm for life was quite remarkable and had provided Desmond with years of joy. Yet, her idealistic view of perfection lurked as an emotional crutch able to spring into action at any moment.
The last few days since their latest conversation Desmond agonized over a new plan of action. Today, the last day of February, he spent the entire morning considering his options while doing chores around the church. Realizing how every person’s inhibitions were housed in their beliefs he had no intention of trying to convert Rachel to his way of thinking. Instead, all he hoped to accomplish was to soften the harsher aspects of her beliefs which blinded her to the beauty of their marriage, and the potential they held for each other.
Desmond did not want to change her, but only to have her appreciate some of the benefits of adopting a more gentle way of looking at God. He wanted her to see the merits of humility and the harmony made available to one whose beliefs were moderate and less dogmatic. He wanted her to see the strength of tolerance, and not just its weaknesses. Most of all he wanted her to see that his doubts and questions were born out of his lust for life, and not an indication that he was weak or lost.
If he could accomplish even a portion of these things he was sure they could reconcile. Yet, identifying the obstacles to their union was a far easier task than finding a way to remove them. His hours of concentration were temporarily disturbed by a telephone call.
Answering the phone Desmond was somewhat surprised that the call was for him and from Mr. Yates of the Board of Governors. After a few minutes of small talk, Mr. Yates got around to the purpose of his call. He informed Desmond that the board was responding to the concerns of a number of parishioners who felt cheated at not having an opportunity to thank Desmond for all his years as pastor at First Christian.
The board, who likewise was deeply grateful for his years of service, wanted to know if Desmond would be interested in leading a future Sunday service. Slightly taken aback by the invitation, Desmond stammered for a brief moment before enthusiastically accepting the board’s offer.
Mr. Yates asked Desmond if the second Sunday in March would be suitable, adding that Rev. Coleman had suggested this date. Desmond said he would be honored to lead worship on that date. He sincerely thanked Mr. Yates for the opportunity and asked that his words of gratitude be passed on to the rest of the board.
Desmond got off the phone feeling excited by the prospect of once again leading his friends in prayer. His blossoming joy was quickly matched by feelings of sadness when he realized this would probably be his last time leading a service at First Christian. If he had to say goodbye, Desmond could not think of a better way to do it than from the pulpit.
Not one for emotional farewells, Desmond decided he would prefer holding service over having to attend a party any day. Desmond was relatively comfortable talking from the pulpit, and from there he could carefully choose his words and sentiments. On the pulpit he would be in charge and able to say farewell in whichever way he felt.
“In fact,” Desmond said to himself, “I won’t even have to say goodbye if I don’t want to. I can just tell everyone how much I’ve appreciated their friendship and enjoyed being a pastor and go on with the rest of the service.”
Desmond smiled at the thought of such a smooth and painless exit. Though Desmond enjoyed speaking from the pulpit he always preferred exposing his true thoughts and feelings in a more intimate setting. He wanted to say goodbye to so many people, but dreaded the idea of doing it in a group fashion. Desmond had always been a one-on-one kind of person, so those he needed to say more to, Desmond decided, he would go see later at their homes.
He wondered who the “supporters” were and how they approached the board. Desmond found it strange that these people never consulted with him, or even told him of their efforts on his behalf. Yet, if their intention was to surprise him, their goal was certainly achieved. Desmond never once even considered the possibility of doing another service, and was deeply touched by the gesture.
In less than two weeks Desmond would be leading what most likely would be his final service. He felt happy and he felt sad, but most of all he felt loved and appreciated by the people of his little community. With so much of his thoughts currently centering around Rachel and Rebecca he was glad to have something else to occupy his attention.
His first impulse was to give Rachel a call to tell her the good news. Instead he decided it would be much safer to call Rebecca and while inviting her, ask her to invite her mother. He picked up the phone and hoped Rebecca would want to come, and not focus on this being his last service.
As the phone rang he pictured the old days when his eyes were always comforted by the vision of Rachel and Rebecca in the front pew. His heart exploded in the hope of being able to live that scene one more time. Even if it was a pipe dream, it was one Desmond surely considered worth dreaming.