The Bells caused quite a stir when they attended the Sunday service the weekend following Desmond’s conversation with Alan. No one felt more uncomfortable than Alan who found it impossible to even say hello to his closest friends. Whispers were heard throughout the entire congregation, but no one said a word directly to Alan or Paula.
Rachel stiffened when she saw them and glared up at Desmond on the altar. Though he had told her that Alan had visited, she had refused to a hear a single word about their conversation. Rachel and Rebecca were visibly upset during the entire service.
Alan and his family left immediately after the service. Their departure was executed quickly, much like an escape. Many shocked and angry eyes watched them leave and the gossip was at a full boil within seconds of their exit.
The moment Rachel and Rebecca made their way out of the church they were mobbed by the gossip hounds. All expressed horror and sympathy at the thought of having to deal with such an awful thing during their grieving. Friends told Rebecca that they had never seen such an act of insensitivity, and she in turn talked about her feelings of shock and disgust at the Bells’ appearance.
Desmond, too, was surrounded by sympathizers the moment he appeared out front of the church. His intention to admit that he had invited the Bells was soon lost in the chorus of well intentioned friends. They expressed their sympathy for Desmond having to suffer through the Bells’ presence at church.
Rachel leapt all over Desmond on the car ride home. She reamed him out for letting them stay during the service and for smiling in their direction from the pulpit. Her anger reached a crescendo when Desmond informed her that he had asked Alan to attend church.
Once Rachel was through telling Desmond off for his complete disregard for her and Rebecca’s feelings, she said no more. In fact, she didn’t say another word that day until Rebecca and Mark came over. Even though Rebecca had stopped talking privately to her father, she continued her weekly Sunday visits.
Rebecca exploded when her mother told her Desmond was responsible for the Bells’ visit to church. For the first time in her life she screamed at her father from the top of her lungs. She told him he desecrated the memory of Andrew and insulted both her and Mark. She told him that for the first time in her life she was embarrassed to have him as a father.
After saying these words with all the venom she could muster, she announced she and Mark were leaving. Before leaving Rebecca informed Desmond she could not tolerate the Bells coming to church. She threatened to leave right in the middle of the next service they were to attend. Rebecca said he had to choose between her and the Bells, vowing not return to church if they were welcome there.
Desmond, not wishing to yell, found no opportunity to speak. Her words hurt him deeply but he knew that he couldn’t do what she was asking. He couldn’t forbid the Bells from returning to church. If they somehow found the strength to endure the mob of hatred awaiting them, then he, too, would persevere. Though he loved his daughter very much, he was not willing to desert or denounce anyone in order to appease her blind hatred.
During the following week Rachel exerted daily pressure on Desmond to rescind his open invitation to the Bells. She gave him daily updates on her conversations with Rebecca letting him know his daughter fully intended to back up her threats.
On Saturday of that week Rachel solemnly requested they have a long talk. Rachel used this opportunity to inform Desmond that she fully supported Rebecca on this issue. She told Desmond she would not try to convince Rebecca to change her mind, nor would she try to prevent her from walking out of church.
Desmond explained to Rachel why he hadn’t told the Bells to stay away. She listened quietly to portions of his reasons, but disputed many others. Though she understood his desire to be an open and supportive minister, she felt his loyalty to his daughter and grandson should easily over ride such concerns.
At one point she calmly argued, “There are other churches for them to attend. They do not need to come to our church. It is a sign of great disrespect that they now come to services at the church we attend.” Rachel went on to say that she felt it was “a conflict of interests” for him to even attempt to continue to be their minister.
Rachel’s ability to rationally discuss the issue ended when Desmond attempted to have her empathize with the plight of the Bells. She refused to concede that Alan’s “mistake” could have happened to almost anybody, and quickly resorted to referring to him as an evil and irresponsible man.
Desmond, seeing Rachel’s intolerance for this point, turned the focus onto the christian act of forgiving. With great indignation Rachel defended both her ability to forgive and her sense of christian charity. She accusingly asked Desmond how he could be so cold and unfeeling regarding the death of their grandson and the grief of their daughter.
“The bible says there is a time for everything,” she protested loudly, “now is the time to grieve and for justice to be served. Forgiveness will come later when the wrongs of this tragedy have been properly recognized and duly punished.” With these words Rachel stood and left the room ending their conversation.
Desmond’s attempts later that night and the following morning before church to rekindle the conversation were quickly squelched by Rachel. In her mind, all had been said and it was time for Desmond to stand up for his family and not be so concerned about the suffering of Alan Bell. A man who, the entire town believed, deserved to suffer.
After his talk with Rachel, Desmond had trouble getting to sleep. He tossed and turned all night never entertaining much hope of ever getting to sleep. His mind was full of self-doubt and fear. So, instead of sleeping, he decided to try to think the entire issue through.
Desmond considered at length the validity of everything Rachel had said. He wondered if she was right in his being cold and unfeeling, or if he were being stubborn and disloyal to his family. He questioned his motives for inviting the Bells and struggled to see if his current estrangement from Rebecca were somehow clouding his judgment.
He had no problem admitting to himself that he was not the most passionate person. He had principles and morals which he would stand up for, but he seldom fought for anything in a fiery way. He had always been a fairly subdued person not given over to fits of anger or public demonstrations of affection.
Rachel could say he was calm and maybe even detached, but not cold and unfeeling. She knew better than to say he hadn’t any emotion. If he were cold and unfeeling then why would she complain about all his causes or his supposedly unwarranted compassion for the Bells?
Desmond decided Rachel was just confused by how different his reactions were to many situations. His reactions were not as strong as hers, not because they lacked emotion but because of what those emotions meant to him. Rachel’s world and his, Desmond concluded, were very different.
In Rachel’s world nothing happened by chance. Any significant event whether it caused joy or sorrow must happen for a reason. She believed everything that happened to her was a reward or a punishment for something in her life. Where he could accept death at face value, Rachel felt compelled to find out the reason behind Andrew’s death.
Not only in Andrew’s death but in all tragedy Rachel was obsessed with figuring out “why” something happened. Her’s was a black and white world of good and evil, where every behavior was rewarded or punished by God. Therefore, everything bad that happened in life was a punishment from God. Since someone must be responsible for Andrew’s death, Rachel had to find someone to blame.
She couldn’t blame Andrew. Rachel could not see him as anything else but an innocent victim. If blame had to fall somewhere it rested best on the shoulders of Alan Bell. Rachel was not about to blame Rebecca or anyone else in the family. She couldn’t bear the thought of Rebecca, or anyone she loved, suffering in hell for all eternity. Blaming Alan Bell for Andrew’s death spared her daughter the possibility of eternal damnation.
Since Rachel could not find a reason for God to punish Andrew, there could only be one explanation for his death. Andrew, being innocent and good, had to be killed by something very evil. Alan Bell, therefore, had to be considered an evil man. According to logical necessity, Rachel had to consider him to be an evil agent of the devil. Only in this way could Andrew’s death make sense without Andrew or Rebecca being held liable.
Desmond compared Rachel’s world view with his own. Even though he often talked about “the good person” in his sermons, he did not believe anyone was totally good or evil. In Desmond’s world there were good and bad actions and decisions, but at each moment we could choose our behavior. We were free to make a moral good choice one second and a bad one the next. Many things we did, not being conscious decisions, were neither good nor bad. Life for Desmond was a mystery, and if a God did indeed exist, he couldn’t imagine him messing with his creation each and every moment.
People, though responsible for their own lives, did not have to blame or be blamed for everything which happened. Though Alan made a tragically bad mistake it did not make him an evil person. It only made him a person who had to live with the fact that some of his poor decisions directly impacted the death of an innocent child.
As he thought through their differences, Desmond became totally convinced that Rachel’s accusations regarding him being cold were unfounded. She viewed him as unfeeling only because she refused to see the world from any other perspective than her own. A mysterious world was too scary for her and too opposed to the world of justice she preferred to live in.
If she were able to talk about these things Desmond was quite sure he could get her to understand his views. Yet, the very possibility of such a discussion was counter to her rigid beliefs. She would find even listening to Desmond’s ideas an evil and immoral act.
Uncertainty and theory, for Rachel, were sacrilegious temptations. Questioning one’s beliefs was second guessing God and doubting his word. This was not only dangerous, but forbidden since the time of Adam. Therefore, Desmond sadly concluded, engaging Rachel in the very conversation required to have her understand him was near impossible. Even listening to his views would be a sin she would not allow herself to commit.
His twenty years of marriage had been a great source of joy for Desmond. Rachel was a beautiful and caring woman. She was a good mother and an exciting life partner. Their life together had always been both secure and fulfilling. The majority of those twenty years they spent at each other’s side looking at the world with common eyes. They talked every day and he never felt detached from her life. He knew Rachel almost as well as he knew himself, and she was able to anticipate almost all of his feelings and reactions.
Desmond had never expected life to be perfect, but his marriage to Rachel had always been near perfect. He felt honored and blessed to have her as his wife and could not picture spending his life with any other person. No matter how long he scrutinized their marriage there was only one wall in their life he could find separating them.
Most times the wall seemed very small and easy to step over. Yet, lying awake tonight, the barrier between them seemed huge and unscalable. She could share everything with him, except his theological views. Those he was forced to keep to himself or express only to Pat and Carl.
The last few days the wall created by Rachel’s refusal to discuss his religious views seemed to be miles high. How could she understand or accept his views of Andrew and Alan if he were not allowed to talk?
In so many ways Desmond found Rebecca to be more like him than Rachel. She was inquisitive, logical and unafraid to harbor thoughts which were unpopular. She enjoyed the outdoors and would rather swim or work in the yard than organize the house. Yet, when it came to pain and suffering, she was much like her mother. She needed life to be tidy and clear. She needed everything to be either totally good or completely evil.
At some point in time, after she had time to grieve, Desmond was pretty sure he’d be given an opportunity to explain himself to Rebecca. Even if she were not to agree with him, she would surely listen and understand him. Desmond was confident that things would eventually get better with Rebecca for she had always respected his views even when they didn’t coincide with her’s.
Rachel, on the other hand, was an entirely different story. He knew the only way she could understand his current motives and reactions was through his explanation. Yet, such a talk would involve his views on death, life and religion. A discussion Rachel would definitely try to avoid.
Still unable to sleep, Desmond spent a good deal of time trying to imagine how he could successfully engage Rachel in such a conversation. He thought of her responses to every word he said and realized it would be weeks, maybe even months, before he could broach these topics with her.
The role-played conversations with Rebecca were much smoother and easier to imagine. Yet, he realized talking to Rebecca about his views on death and blame would have to wait until she was ready. It saddened Desmond to think that it might be months before Rebecca would be able to listen to him.
Desmond wondered what he could do in the meantime to stay close to Rachel and Rebecca. He was sure he could do many things, but snubbing the Bells was not one of them. Their demand for him to forsake the Bells or to publicly denounce them was totally unfair and irrational. He wondered how long they would hold on to the expectation that he, a minister, would neglect or shun lifelong members of the community.
Regardless of how angry or disgusted he could become with any member of his congregation, Desmond could not imagine deserting them. It was not only morally objectionable, but in direct opposition to his vocation. A minister was supposed to help and guide even the most vile human beings, not discard and judge them. No matter how vindictive and righteous Rachel and Rebecca had become, surely they understood he was doing what he needed to do. Maybe, he surmised, they objected to how calmly he seemed to be handling the situation. They wouldn’t truly believe he could remain a minister if he were to turn his back on any member of his congregation. Even if they could, Desmond knew he couldn’t.
He knew that he could never obey Rebecca and Rachel’s request that he stand up against evil and be loyal to his family. In supporting his family in this way, he would only be condoning the hatred and condemnation of someone who wrongs another. How could they expect him to hate in the name of love? How could they expect another person to come to him for forgiveness and understanding the next time they had something to confess?
In the morning Desmond found himself hoping that the Bells would decide not to come to Sunday service. After all, it was quite likely they did not want to endure a repeat performance of last week’s frigid reception. They left quickly last Sunday, Desmond recalled to himself, and neither Paula nor Alan had been seen in town all week.
Desmond felt badly about harboring such thoughts, but he was both very tired and afraid. He was tired not only from his sleepless night but from the endless tension in his family. Though he couldn’t bring himself to turn his back on the Bells, he also didn’t want things to get worse with his family. Despite the fact that he felt they were being cruel and irrational, Desmond hated to see his wife and daughter suffer.
Desmond was very afraid of what would happen to his family if the Bells were to come to church today. He doubted Rebecca would walk out, but knew she would be very angry and hurt. Maybe if the Bells were to wait a couple of weeks before returning to church, things would calm down. A little reprieve, Desmond felt, would do wonders for Rachel and Rebecca.
Rachel continued her silent treatment all morning. Desmond made numerous attempts at conversation, he cracked jokes, asked questions about mundane issues and even apologized for having originally invited Alan to church. Rachel made no reply to anything he said, making eye contact only when delivering an icy stare in his direction.
The car ride to the church was tense and uncomfortable. Rachel stared out the windshield of the car without even making a single sideways glance. Desmond, rather than being angry with her, only wished he could do something to make her feel better. She was in pain, a lot of pain. In the tenseness of her face he could see she was near tears. He felt that her anger towards him was just a disguise to distract her from the pain grabbing at her heart.
Rachel was not used to having strife in her life. Not only had she lost a grandson, but her daughter was no longer speaking to her husband. Her family was falling apart right before her eyes, and she was fighting to keep it together. Her silence, Desmond realized, wasn’t meant to punish Desmond so much as to wake him. Rachel cared little if she were right or wrong, she only wanted to do what was needed to keep her family together.
Reaching over and touching he shoulder Desmond said, “I love you Rachel.” Rachel, as if to say “prove it”, stiffened her shoulders but didn’t pull away.
“We all seem to be heading towards another accident,” Desmond said softly while still holding her shoulder, “but I will do what I can to stop it. I’ll make things better with Rebecca, but try to be patient, it may take a little time.”
Rachel turned her head away from Desmond and towards the passenger door window. Pursing her lips, Rachel shook her head and then lowered it into her hands. Desmond massaged her shoulder with his free hand as she cried. Rachel cried quietly with her head down until she felt the car turn into the church parking lot.
“Maybe they won’t even come today”, Desmond said hopefully.
Rachel nodded her head in agreement and without saying a word opened her door and walked to the church. Desmond sat alone for a few moments before exiting to enter the church from the side door.
The moment Desmond took to the alter he began scanning the crowd to see if the Bells were in attendance. Unable to locate them, Desmond turned to his left to look at Rachel, Rebecca and Mark. Only Mark nodded up to Desmond. Rachel made momentary eye contact while Rebecca kept her head down in prayer.
Two minutes into the service Desmond’s heart sank as the Bells entered the back of the church. Within seconds the entire church stirred in response to their appearance. Desmond looked down to find Rachel’s terrified eyes imploring him to do something.
Rebecca’s eyes were seething, but she made no movement towards the door. After a few moments things calmed down. The service continued uncomfortably but undisturbed. Rebecca, though calm, never once looked at Desmond the remainder of the service. She left immediately after the service not stopping to say a word to anyone.
Worried and anxious, Desmond spent the hours before Rebecca’s Sunday visit thinking of the things he would say to her. Rachel, too, busied herself with preparations for Rebecca’s visit. They silently waited and waited until they both realized that for the first time since her birth their daughter would not be with them on a Sunday afternoon.