GuidoWorld

The Darker Side of Forgiveness

April 1, 2008 on 8:32 pm | In General |

Growing up and attending a Catholic school run by nuns afforded me an early introduction into the finer aspects of Christian philosophy. We were taught that the New Testament in particular was the highpoint of religious thought. The life of Jesus we were told was the shining example of how a human should behave and what they should emulate. The ability of Jesus to forgive all sin, and even those who persecuted him was often held up as the finest example of the Christian spirit, and what truly distinguished Christianity as the superior and most evolved religion.

We were taught to beg God for forgiveness for all our sins and transgressions, and we were instructed to forgive all those who had treated us badly. Forgiveness if not the highest of human ideals was certainly one of the most desired qualities to cultivate.

Yet, at an early age I started to become a little suspicious of the golden glow of forgiveness. I often noticed how people used forgiveness as a tool to make themselves appear superior to others. Many felt their ability to forgive their enemies made them a better person. It was like they were saying, “the fact that I can find it in my heart to forgive your horrible behavior shows that I’m a bigger and better person than you”.

By the time I got to seventh and eighth grade I began to notice how often people forgave others for something they didn’t even do maliciously. At times they were being forgiven for something that they probably should have been thanked for or praised.

It was about this time that I realized that before you could forgive someone you first had to blame them.  This realization had a strong impact on my personal life and how I dealt with others.

I myself was more impressed with the ability to understand and accept another person rather than forgive them for an injustice. First of all who was I to decide that what a person did was wrong, or judge them and label them as needing to be forgiven. Second, nothing seem to be solved or improved by my act of forgiveness. If someone did actually do something which was harmful or wicked it seemed more important to help them or dissuade them than forgive them. Again, saying I forgive you to someone seemed like a real ego trip on my part, like my forgiveness really mattered.

I have always striven to understand and in many cases accept the actions of others. I was brought up in a relatively violent household. Yet, I never forgave my parents for their brutality because I never blamed them for their actions. Even in high school I understood that my parents were doing close to the best that they could, and had treated me far better than they were treated by their parents. This is not to say that I was in denial or glorified them, but rather I accepted them and tried to make my life with them as good as it could get.

Forgiving them seemed not only ineffectual, but kind of callous and insensitive. The only benefit I could get from forgiving them would be to diminish my desire to retaliate or hurt them. I guess that is the essence of the benefit of forgiveness, it helps keep your behavior in line and terminates a possible on-going battle.

At some point in time pagan people out grew their gods, they became more ethical and humane then the gods that they used to venerate. At such times people create new gods or at least up-dated their gods to a higher standard of behavior that was worthy of their veneration.

I guess I feel we have reached such a juncture in history where we have outgrown even the noblest characters of our gods. Even our current gods are too violent, vindictive and vain.

Yet, I neither blame our gods nor feel a need to forgive them.

When it comes to forgiveness I think it is important to always keep in mind that one cannot forgive unless one first blames.

Jim Guido