GuidoWorld

Pleasure Shared is….

October 13, 2007 on 12:12 pm | In General |

In the last post I talked optimistically of how being open to sexual pleasure is a way of bridging the gap between hormonally driven sexual appetites. In this post I will attempt to clarify a few points left somewhat unsaid.

When one person, more often then not the male, has a higher urge for frequent sexual intercourse, the easiest solution is for the couple to focus on increasing and intensifying the amount of pleasure involved in their sex life. A person who is less driven by hormonally induced sexual urges will be more open to frequent sex when sexual intercourse becomes a playground of pleasure. While the initial motive may continue to be sexual urges in one partner the other’s motivation may lie in the realm of pleasure.

If both partners are committed to both giving and receiving pleasure the chances of developing a rewarding sex life are quite high. This insures that each person is feeling cared for and also allowed the joy of being the source of their partners ecstasy and pleasure. If one is open to either only giving or receiving pleasure the pleasure circle is left open and one or both of the couple may feel inhibited or frustrated. When both can give as well as receive affection and pleasure, the intimacy and completeness of the experience can be quite fulfilling. Sexual intercourse is a vehicle for intimacy, maybe even the vehicle with the most potential for intimacy at man’s disposal, yet it is not in itself intimacy.

While much of my posts have focussed on the biological imperative and hormonal urge inherent in the male sex drive, this now brings us to some of the other components of a satisfying sex life. Though releasing and sating the biological imperative is an often unappreciated aspect of the male sex drive, it is not the only important element.

Many men have had the experience of being as sexually frustrated after sex as before it.  Many men have experienced unrewarding and unfulfilling sex. When sex is just a release and does not involve feelings of intimacy and mutual pleasure it often fails to sate  or fulfill.

Sexual intercourse and orgasms are vehicles for and components of sexual satiation, but are not in themselves sexual joy.

Just as I think it is unwise for a partner to equate sex with intimacy, I also feel it is unwise to remove or minimize the role of sexual intercourse in intimate partnerships. There are many forms of pleasure, but the potential for physical, emotional and visceral  pleasure in sexual intercourse is tough to match. In my book, available  on this site, Exploring Intimacy I define intimacy as the desire to become closer to, or familiar with. One can be come intimate with almost everything. They can become intimate with nature, themselves, knowledge, science, music, etc.

Yet, when it comes to becoming intimate with another human being it is hard to deny the privileged role of getting to know them sexually. Our bodies along with our thoughts make up our experience. We experience the world through our bodies. Letting someone touch and please our bodies is allowing someone to influence our experience at its source. There is much vulnerability is giving someone this much power over our experience, and there is so much potential for intimacy in having someone know what we experience as we experience it.

Can we experience intimacy and physical pleasure without sexual intercourse?
Yes, of course we can. Affection and massage are often very rewarding and pleasurable.  Conversation too, can be very intimate and pleasurable.  Yet, it is hard to deny the almost infinite potential for intimacy in sexual intercourse due to its visceral intensity and tangible, spontaneous experience of each other.

That is why monogamy is so attractive. Two people commit to each other and vow to share their entire lives together. Such a commitment cries out for intimacy. By definition marriage is a vehicle by which people commit to learning all they can about each other, their hopes their dreams, their thoughts and feelings. How can one not view this as a commitment to pleasing each other? How can one deny the potential for pleasure harbored in sexual intercourse and in the intimacy of the body?

Next post we will talk of what happens when the commitment of monogamy is not an invitation to bridging the gap between sex drives and appetites.

Jim Guido